A Lesson in Being Lonely

At the beginning of the semester, I ended my friendship with my best friend. It was meant to happen. However, I did not expect the pain that came from losing such a close friendship. 

No one tells you just how lonely it is going to be when you stop talking to your best friend. If they support your decision, they tell you that you can do better, and they will tell you that they are there for you. Of course, since it is not a break up by traditional means, most people tend to move on much faster than you do.

I spent most of this semester alone.

As an extrovert, I gain most of my energy from other people. I need to be around people, and I need to share my life with them. With a best friend, it is possible to simply sit in the same room without doing a whole lot. With a best friend, it is possible to tell them everything (even what you ate for breakfast). With a best friend, it is possible to visit them without much warning or planning. With a best friend, there is security.

I lost my security blanket.

And I was lonely.

And I was drained.

A couple weeks ago, I collapsed on the chapel floor. I sobbed for a half hour, asking God over and over why He thought it was a good idea to make the most extroverted person give up a friendship and not replace his constant companionship with something greater.

I could not hear Him, so I dragged myself across the floor to the altar. All I wanted was companionship, and I did not know what to do. As I continued to sob, I curled up around the altar, hugging the base as tightly as I could. That is, until my body finally relaxed and my loud sobs turned as weak my body had become.

And in that vulnerable state that God lead me to, He taught me a valuable lesson.

You are never alone.

It is hard to believe that you are not alone when you do not have a person. While the whole world seems to be able to share fun Buzzfeed links, have lunch, or laugh with someone, you are sitting off in the corner all by yourself. There is not an easy relationship that you can depend on anymore, and without that...you feel completely isolated from the world. 

No person?

No life.

That is simply not true. You do not need a person. You have your people. These are the people who love you and are there for you, but they do not monopolize your time. These are the people who share experiences with you, laugh with you, and grow with you, even if they are not there every day of the week.

Maybe they are people that have the same values as you 

They know what matters to you, and they support you in all you do. They understand when it is difficult to understand the tough stuff, and they listen to your late night vents about the "injustice" of it all. God taught me that these people, while not really your family, defend you like you are part of their family. People who share your values and let you love them remind us that we will always matter to someone and our thoughts are not worthless.

Maybe they are people that share your faith. 

They pray for you at night, and they are always willing to have a little Jesus chat at any point of the day. If anything, God taught me that sometimes we cannot hear Him directly, but it is through these people that we can hear His love. Their prayers reassure us that we will never truly be on our own in the good fight.

Maybe they are people that have been there all along.

These people are the ones that have watched you grow for a long time, and they have been at your side the entire time. Your communication level varies. However, you can always count on them. God showed me that these people are important because they see the whole picture. They see the dark corners, and they see the bright colors, and they love every bit of it. Silence does not mean that there is a lack of solidarity.

Maybe they are people you have yet to meet.

God showed me this year that sometimes you have to just yourself back out there. He forced me to find new people to talk to, and He gave me people that were willing to let me come in. They had to pry me away from my work sometimes, but they brought love in to my life in ways I had not yet experienced. 

Maybe they are the ones that have really been there all along.

These people share your genes, and they have seen you at every stage of your life. From the moment you walked to the moment you came home for the most recent vacation, they have been there for you. God really showed me this semester that even thought it is nice to have lots of friends, that a phone call home is just as effective as a heart to heart with someone new. I could not have made it through without calling my parents, cuddling my little sisters, or hanging out with my brothers. I never had to be afraid of rejection from them. Family is family, and they are never going to go away.

Your people will always be there. 

They may be pseudo families, church companions, old friends, new friends, or your actual biological family, but they are always there. It is not necessary for you to find them because they are already there. 

You have people.

They love you.

The only thing that you may be missing are your glasses. I know that I did not recognize my people until God brought me down to that level. Yet in my vulnerability, He reminded me of the people that love me for who I am, who I was, and who I will be.

By being lonely, I learned who loved me.

I think that's better than any lecture I attended.

How God Worked

My second most liked status on Facebook was on December 1st, 2015. The status was this:

Wow. I am just amazed by the support of my professors here at Belmont University. Not only did they support me when I discovered that I was rejected from FOCUS, but they also sat down and wrote my letters of recommendation for grad school which were due today as soon as I told them.

God could not have brought me to a more supportive and loving place

While many saw this status, it hardly depicts the story that it tells. God worked an amazing wonder in my life through this awful week, and I would like to share the story.

My top five graduate schools had application deadlines on December 1st. As I was still waiting for FOCUS to contact me, I had hardly touched the applications. I had not notified my advisors, and I had kept the idea in the back of my mind. Naturally, I thought that my laziness was simply the Holy Spirit telling me to be patient. After all, good things come to those who wait correct?

While I lazy, my parents were busy trying to make my dreams come true. They texted me to come home the night before applications were due. We were going to get them done, whether I was going to be accepted in to FOCUS or not. I came home, and immediately my father and I started working on the applications. My mom started with us as soon as she had brought my little sister home from dance. 

By the end of the night, all three of our laptops were furiously going, hastily trying to make the applications look as good as possible as quickly as possible. They read every line, paid for every fee, and gave me every ounce of confidence I needed.

I drove home feeling more confident about my future.

The next day, I received a phone call from FOCUS. Because I was in class, I had to call back. We played phone tag for a bit, and finally I got connected with my regional director. My hands shook as I anxiously waited for him to tell me that I had gotten the job.

I did not get the job.

He explained why, and I knew exactly which parts of the interview reflected those low points. I had been honest, and yet that was my downfall. I remembered feeling the need to tell certain stories to the interviewers, but my Earthly mind was angry at God for wanting me to talk about the low points of my life in such a manner. 

But God wanted me to speak as I did.

Because it set me up to experience what happened next.

Ten minutes after my phone call, I received an email from most of my potential graduate schools. Each one told me that if my recommendation letters were not in by that day, that I would not be invited for an interview.

No way could my professors do that in a day.

Suddenly, my entire future started to crumble in front of me. All of my dream schools were slipping from my fingertips. I was not asked to serve God on college campuses. Even though I had tried my best, it seemed as though God was taking everything away from me again.

After crying to my mother, I made the decision to suck it up and get things done. It was what I had been raised to do, and I was not going to give up just because of some seemingly large roadblocks. If God wanted me in graduate school, then He would get me there. All I had to do was my end of the deal.

I went to my two Belmont professors, and I told them what was happening. After my shpeel, which was riddled with tears and apologies, my professors each agreed to get my applications in. Now all that was left was talking to my REU advisor.

One of my recommenders had me sit in the room as she opened up every application. She wanted me to make sure that she had them all in, and she wanted to help me. My other advisor sent me an encouraging email after she finished all of my applications. As I sat in their offices, I texted my parents, "I want to be like them when I grow up."

He informed me that he had to turn in his grant proposal as well, but he would try his best to get to my recommendations.

I did not expect him to get them in. I prepared myself to contact every department to talk to them and make up for my mistake. I opened up back up applications. I prayed for hours, desperate to hear God's reassuring voice in my heart.

At 7pm, I was notified that every single application had been completed.

God made it possible for me to strive for my dream within 6.5 hours.

If this had been a normal experience, I do not think I would have had the opportunity to see just how blessed I was, nor would I have been inspired in the same way. By seeing my professors work to give me a future, I was inspired to do the same for my future students. By the support and love from my residents, I was inspired to continue loving undergraduates and reminded myself to keep that love in mind when I started teaching. By the work of my parents, I was inspired yet again to be the best parent I could be.

God showed me my future in one of the most stressful afternoons of my life.

It was as if He told me, "Felicity, I understand you had a vision for your future, but it was not the best plan for you. Look at the impact these people have had in your life. Look at the response in your heart. Look at how happy you are with the idea of going to graduate school. Here is your chance: take it."

And so I did.

While my plans may never be exactly what God wants, I know that He will always bring me where I need to go, and to the people I need to be around. He loves me for me, and He knows the inner workings of my heart. Because of God's love for me, I have found my vocation. Because of God's love for me, I have been saved. Because of God's love for me, anything is possible.

So that's my story. 

A Letter to My Residents

Dear Resident

If you opened this letter, then it means that you were either curious enough about what your RA has to tell you, or you were procrastinating just that much that you bothered to read something from that chick who thinks she can act like your mom, even though she is not even old enough to have a child. Regardless, I am grateful that you took time out of your busy schedule to read this.

I wanted to thank you for everything you have done for me that you probably would not know about. Being an RA is a hard job, but seeing you grow and having you in my life has made this job worth all the while.

When I am with you, I get to hear about all of your struggles. You can tell me when you are worried about life after graduation, and you can tell me that your are scared about changing your major again. I have the unique opportunity to be the person you can call when that boy breaks your heart again, or when your pet had to be put down and you need someone to give you a hug.

But I also get to watch you succeed.

I hear the cheers down the hall when you get the grade you needed on that exam you were so worried about. I see the smiles and laughs from the new love stories. I see your names on lists of positions on campus, the new letters on your doors, and the happy pictures on Instagram. I hear the love stories. Even if I am not always the first person you tell, I always get to see these happy moments, and I am honored to know about it.

By letting me in, you let me become part of your story. Your story is crafted so specially, and by being there, I get an insider's look at a critical part of your story. When the mountains are high, or when the valleys are low, or when there is nothing going on but you just have to tell me something random, I am there in that chapter.

You let me be a part of something greater than myself.

Yet you know that there is so much more to this job than me hearing you out. You know that I have to plan programs and I have to make sure to interact with you. You know there are obligations that are beyond the 2AM phone calls that lead to unhealthy food decisions, and the best memories.

I stopped writing down our time together on my community reports though. The time I get to spend with you is the highlight of my day. I get to love on someone who is so special, and even if it started as an obligation, spending time with you was not work anymore. Instead of being RA and resident, we became friend and friend.

It was not hard for me to send you a message, because I knew that you would respond. It was not hard to remind you of policy, because I knew you would understand. It was not hard for me to invite you to things, or for me to come with you to an event.

I do not fear being rejected anymore. While RA's are often left alone at a program, I always knew that my residents loved me. They had lives, and I know that you were no different. I understand that you really did not care about my crappy games or the lame movie I decided to show. I wouldn't either. Yet you always come up and apologize to me, and then we hang out on our own terms later.

You don't need a program or a community builder or anything fancy to be my friend.

I do not know how to express how thankful I am for you, my resident, becoming my friend. Sure, you were supposed to get along with me, but it astounds me that such cool people would actually opt to hang out with me.

You accept me for me. We share dreams together, and we laugh about the stupidest things. Sure, it's a little weird that we planned out my outfits when I went to hang out with my guy friend. Sure, it's a little odd that I need someone to approve the layout of my lab report. Sure, I am not always the most "cool" person to hang out with.

Yet you do it anyway.

And when I am unable to handle my own life...you are there for me too. You took the time to hear my story. Even if it was a little ridiculous, you still let me talk about that guy who definitely didn't like me or that professor that probably doesn't hate me that much. You understand why things are hard for me, and you let me be me in the face of it.

Thank you for letting me be vulnerable. Thank you for reminding me that vulnerability is what creates strong leaders. So thank you for holding me when I cried, and thank you for telling me that it is ok to not be ok. Thank you for supporting me against all odds.

Because of you, I never have to feel alone. As your RA, I built a community, and I know that it isn't perfect all the time, but I also know that in this community that I will be loved. What I built for you became exactly what I needed too.

So thank you for letting me hear your story, be a part of your story, and letting me share my story with you. Thank you for being the ones to let me in, and being the ones to let me come in. Thank you for understanding when I have to write you up, and thank you for understanding why I am crying about it ten minutes later.

Thank you for becoming the friend I needed.

Love always,
Your RA

What Is A Belmont Senior?

So many people ask me what being a senior feels like. They ask if I am going to miss everything, and they ask me what it feels like to do something for the last time. They ask what it feels like to see the ending. They ask what it feels like to know that it was my last registration, my last formal, my last...well...everything.

But they missed something.

Senior year is not about the last things.

Senior year is about seeing someone's first time...

Someone's beginning.

Senior is about knowing what someone's first time will mean down the road. It is being thankful for everything and celebrating everyone else's opportunity to experience the same things you did. You know who you become friends with after standing in lines, going to dances, and finding a new church. You know just how many amazing things are going to happen in their future.

So this is my letter to someone I haven't met, but I think they'd like to see this if they knew.

And even though it isn't exactly right...I think my senior friends would share the sentiments.

Dear Girl Who Sits in my Gazebo Now,
You don't know me, but I sat where you are sitting now. Sometimes at night, I go back, just so I can remember what I felt like three and a half years ago. I go back to the warm summer nights with the stars twinkling, when I had my first big "Belmont Memory." From the look in your eyes as you sing your songs in the rain, I can tell that you are doing the same thing as me.

Oh if you knew just how much was to come!

You are going to fall in love... You are going to love Nashville. You are going to love Belmont. You are going to love learning something, whether that takes place in your classes or not. There are going to be beautiful stars twinkling in your eyes as you find something special in your life week after week. And as you come back to this gazebo, you are going to find yourself wrapped up in the nostalgia of the happy days that you shared with the beautiful people you met here.

You are going to have your heart broken... You are going to meet that boy that makes your world stop, and he's going to fall in love with everyone but you. You are going to realize your future is not what you thought it would be. You are going to lose friends over nothing. And as you come back to this gazebo, you are going to find yourself wrapped up in its shelter as you cry for hours.

You are going to find yourself again... You are going to realize what you really want in life. You are going to make a best friend or two that actually loves you. You are going to find something that makes you smile, and no one can take that away from you. And as you come back to this gazebo, you are going to find yourself wrapped up in the mixed emotions that came from all of the memories you created here.

You are going to fall in love again... You are going to find love in all of the people who helped you find yourself again. You are going to laugh for hours over nothing with those same people, and you are going to love the way your stomach hurts the next day. You are going to love the freshmen that panic over registration, the sophomores that ask you why they still have to check boys in, the juniors that are perpetually late because they forgot that commuting takes longer than expected in Nashville, and the seniors who cry over becoming adults.

You love them because they are just like you.

And as you come back to this gazebo, you are going to find yourself wrapped up in the nostalgia, the shelter, the mixed emotion, and the joy of realizing just how much you have grown up in four years...

and the irony of how much further you need to go.

You are going to give it back... I am doing this to you now. There are so many positions and places that I have called home. But I am graduating in May, and someone needs to keep this campus running. Someone needs to help others, and someone needs to sit here and love like I did. I see you experiencing things like I had, and I see the sparkle in your eyes. I remember it all. I love you for being the new me.

As a senior, I have the opportunity to give someone else a chance to have the same happy memories.

As a senior, I have the opportunity to place trust in someone else.

As a senior, I have the opportunity to see the sparkle and the wonder and the awe that only fresh eyes and hearts may see.

Best of luck with these next three and a half years. You have absolutely no clue what lies around the bend, but as a senior, I can tell you that it is beautiful.

Love,
The Girl Who Sat Here Before

“I have heard your prayer and seen your tears. I will heal you.” -2 Kings 20:5

For those who may know me a little, it may come as a shock that I had a rough couple of weeks. Considering the fact I was successful with the GRE, have a FOCUS interview, and my residents love me, I should not be complaining about anything. There is nothing wrong with me...at least not in the general sense of the word.

I have been struggling because I couldn't hear God anymore.

In the past, I could go to the lab and feel confident in His gift of science to me. I could hear Him tell me how amazing the world was around me. Yet when I came in to the lab for the past few weeks, I could only think of how terrible it would be if my enzyme failed to work or if I was missing something by being stuck in a lab all day every day.

In the past, if I were to help a resident with a problem, I would feel as if I drew closer to them. I felt accomplished and like I had done something right. Yet when I started to bond with them on a deeper level again, I was anxious about their problems progressing or them lying when I checked up on them later on.

I went to the chapel and wept.

I begged God to tell me what to do.

It was silent.

As all of this was going on, I was watching many of those around me falling down in to some new level of sadness that I could not help with. I was watching people fill their holes with alcohol and drugs and sex. I was watching lives change, and I was unable to help anyone. I felt completely helpless where I once was so important.

I wanted to talk to these people.  I wanted them to know that I loved them, and that even if I was mere a Facebook friend that I was still there for them. Even though God wasn't talking to me directly, I would pray for them every night.

I did not know to do.

And God was not telling me anything.

Then I went to Adoration on Wednesday. We sang the song Letting Go by Matt Maher. And as I sang, I offered up all of the words to the God who I knew loved me, even if we weren't speaking clearly anymore.

I'm holding onto Your love
I'm letting go of myself
I'll say so long to everything else

I stand in awe of You
And everything You've done for me
You speak Your words into my life
And where You are is where I wanna be

And I came to this realization: Jesus completely understood what I was feeling. He loved us from before time began. That is a heck of a long time, so it would take a lot to change that love. 

He wanted me to know that He loved me. He wanted to tell me that it would all be ok. He wanted me to tell him everything, and He wanted to listen to me. He wanted me to feel loved by Him. And yet there I was, hiding from Him through worldly things. I was obsessed with what people thought of me, what job I would do, and what I was associated with. I did not care about who or what I loved. I was filling the God shaped hole in my life with everything else.

I was holding on

To anger

To jealousy

To fear

To loss

God wants us to let go of everything. He wants us to stop hiding ourselves. He loves us so much, and it kills Him inside when we ignore Him with our little problems that could very well be offered up to Him. He wants to have our whole lives, and He wants to be able to give it all back to us, renewed and changed.

I love these people. I love these people that I rarely speak to, or never speak to in some circumstances. I love them because God loved them first, and I want them to know rhat they are important.

God wanted me to know that.

So I am letting go

of my anger

of my jealousy

of my fear

of all my failures.

Let go of all these things too my friends. Stop hurting yourself by ignoring the God who loves you. 

Be happy.

You deserve to be hapy.

And if that means admitting that something needs to change in yourself, in your view of the world, in the way you have acted, then go ahead and do those things. Let yourself be happy. Let yourself live the life that God wants you to live. I assure you....it feels freer on the other side.

To the One Whose Love Seems Worthless

Dear Friend,

For your entire life, you have been loving on people. You have been the one that people can turn to in a crisis, in a moment of joy, and in the unexpected turns of life. If there was a need for love, you would fill it, no questions asked. Day after day you loved on these people.

But there was that one friend.

You know exactly who you are thinking of. It was that friend that seemed to respond to your love unlike the others. They would sit with you and listen to you, and what's more, they would thank you for everything you did. In a world of takers, it seemed like you were being given something. Your love had transformed from an output to an input.

But then they were gone...just like everyone else.

You tell yourself that it is ok, that you have been through this before. People have stopped being your friend before, and you clearly were helpful for them. Their lives are better now, and even if they did miss you, they have too much going on to do anything about it. You are happy for them.

But this friend is different. They seem to be completely the same. Nothing you did made a difference in their lives, and you feel like maybe it was your fault that they regressed to the person you used to know. Maybe you hurt them. Maybe you were the problem. Maybe your need for love was just too much for them, and they were relieved that you weren't around anymore.

Maybe your love is worthless.

Do not think that your life did not make an impact on their life. Think of ATP Synthase, the protein that allows for the creation of ATP, the "fuel molecule of the cell." Without ATP, the cell could not function, just as the world does not function without your ability to love. When ATP levels are low, molecules of ADP go in to the synthase and are released as ATP. At the end, the synthase looks completely the same, like the ATP/ADP reaction did not matter in the least bit.

But if you looked at the protein, you would see that this reaction did change the ATP Synthase. As the ATP was being reformed from ADP, the Synthase was rotating. It was only a small distance, but the protein moved. And it was the ATP's decision to change and leave the complex that allowed for this shift to happen.

A friend does not just let you sit in the same place for your entire life. A friend teaches you how to love, how to give back to those who gave something to you. If you have a valuable friendship, then you are able to move outside of this friendship to love other people. Some friendships last forever, but others end, but at the end of the day, a truly valuable friendship causes a change in both parties so that more love may extend to the world.

Sometimes we are the ATP Synthase, taking people in and letting them go. Sometimes we are the ATP molecule, being released from the seemingly unchanged Synthase. We give something to the synthase, we cause it to move, and in the end, we are changed for the better.

But that change in our hearts does not go in vain.

As the synthase moves, more ADP comes in.

Your decision to love more than one person, to be ok with the gradual release of a relationship, is what allows for more people to come in.

You may never be able to see the impact you made on someone's life. You may never have the opportunity to hear about the good things you did, or the way things got better for your former friend. You might search for answers for years, but you may not find them in conversations or Facebook posts or the awkward smiles on campus.

But you felt the shift when you changed for the better.

You know what happened.

You know you mattered.

So regardless of how you may think everything turned out, remember that your love did have an impact. Your life made a difference in the life of your friend. Your decision to enter their life and love them caused a shift.

Your love matters.

Always.

Rain

You know....it's funny. We human beings take showers and relax in a warm bathtub, but we absolutely dread rain. Considering the fact that I grew up in Arizona where the average precipitation is about 13 inches each year, I have very little experience with rain. When I moved to Nashville, and actually saw rain more than twice a month, the reality of hating rain became a very real experience for me.

I think we hate rain because we do not want to stop. We do not want to have to explain to our boss why our hair is wet, drive slower, or take more time to grab an umbrella on the way out the door. Rain is an inconvenience.

A very uncomfortable inconvenience

Or, as a basic like myself would say...

Rain is awkward.


Coming to Love the Awkward Rainfall

As I said, I hated the rain for the longest time. There was no leaving the house on a rainy day, and I was in a terrible mood regardless of what else happened on those rainy days.

Then I met my college best friend

And he made me stop

And we stood in the rain

I never quite understood why my friend liked the rain so much. He actively chose to go for runs in the rain and would become giddy at the first sight of a raindrop. I vividly remember the first time we had an extended conversation in our sophomore year, and how we ended up standing in the rain for a solid hour and a half, just talking about the most random things.

No one interrupted the conversation

No one else wanted to be standing in the rain

No one was going to stop

And no one was going to stop us.

Those catch up conversations are some of my favorite memories of my undergraduate years. Because in the rain, I just got to be silly and let my guard down. The colors of the world changed around us as we talked, and I finally had a chance to stop moving.

There were no requirements for me to meet.

I just had to stand in the rain with my friend.

I had to stop.

The Aftermath

When the rain comes, the world stops moving. And as that occurs, the world is able to grow beautiful again. The trees are strengthened and the flowers stand taller. Rainfall allows the Earth to take a breath, a nap if you will.

God's perfect design of the world requires everything to stop every so once in a while. And when we stop moving, there is something greater in the works. Sometimes it feels like an inconvenience, but truly it is of absolute necessity to allow the rain to fall and to wait it out.

I mean...think of Noah. God told him to get in a boat and wait out the longest storm ever. It killed everyone and everything.

But that was not the end for them:

"God remembered Noah and all the animals, wild and tame, that were with him in the ark. So God made a wind sweep over the earth, and the waters began to subside."

~Genesis 8:1

God remembers every human being and every part of His creation. There is no storm, whether it be a literal storm or a metaphorical storm, that God cannot deliver us from. He loves us, and He knows that we will make out because He is there.

Noah and his family and all of the animals he gathered populated the Earth again.

All of our brokenness can then fill our hearts.

The waters will subside

But we have to stop.

Perpetual Motion

At the beginning of this semester, I did not stop moving. Not because I was upset or had something to distract myself from. I just could not stop moving. Efficiency is one of my favorite things.

Importantly, I did not have my friend to stand in the rain with.

God did not will for that.

But He needed me to stop.

Last week, I was hit with the flu. I'm not very good at being sick, and that was arguably the worst time for me to be sick. I had studying to do, littles to find, and residents to bond with. It was not worth my time to stop moving. Still, I was sick, and I had to take care of myself.

I got sick because I didn't stop moving.

I used to spend my afternoons talking. It was never about anything extensively deep or anything, but those conversations made it possible for me to stop and breathe and process everything going on in my life. Without that, I did not take time to breath and take care of myself. And like a flower without water, I wilted away in the form of loneliness and exhaustion.

Worthy

Eventually I got healthy again, but I was still lonely. My friends all had problems and more important things going in their lives, and I did not want to stop them from moving. I did not want to make them sit with me for over an hour at a time, and I did not want to be a bother. So I listened to them, and I silently dragged myself along.

My cross was crushing me.

And I did not know where to go.

Who would listen to me talk about the stupid things? Who would care about my love of candy corn and my day to day activities?

Last night, I went to Sanctuary, a college praise and worship event that happens twice a month. All of the songs were praising God, and in that praise service (if that's what a protestant would call it...) I found my answer.

Worthy is the Lamb Who Was Slain

I never really understood why my Protestant friends would sing this phrase. Yes, of course God is "worthy." He's God. It made no sense to me.

Then I realized.

It's not about God being worthy of His own greatness.

He's worthy of everything we can give.

He's worthy of our lives.

God loves every little bit of us. He made our days and He made our hearts and He knows all of the parts of our lives. If there was anyone who ever deserved to hear about our days, it was Him. Yet we think that He only should hear grand praises and greatest sorrows. He is too great.

No.

"I am in love with you and all of these little things." 

~One Direction

Assume God is One Direction here. It is the little things that matter so much.

God's Rain

When life grows difficult, we turn to God. Many would say that this is wrong, but honestly, I think it is the best place to start. Just as the rain stops the Earth, our own personal "storms" allow for us to stop our insane lives.

Just as I stood in the rain alone with my friend, God stands alone with us in the storm.

You do not have to do anything to be there with Him.

All He wants is to be there in the storm and listen to you.

And He loves everything about you.

So then, do not be afraid of this world. Do not think that you have to stand alone or that you have to deeply connect to every person around you. It is ok to not have a best friend, and it is ok to be sad sometimes. It is ok to have weird food obsessions and like to do silly things, such as stand in the rain.

No one else is going to stand in your storm.

No one is going to stop you.

But God will happily be there with you.

"Do Not Be Afraid

I am with you

I have called you each by name

Come and follow Me

I will lead you Home

I love you

and you are Mine"

~David Haas

Belief in Something Greater

The theme for Belmont University in its 125th year is "Belief in Something Greater". After hearing a few intriguing lectures in my Biophysical Chemistry class and reflecting a bit on what God had to say on this matter, these thoughts came to my heart.

So I will share them with y'all.

The Science of Something Greater
In the late 1800's to the mid 1900's a German Physicist named Max Planck created the field of Quantum Mechanics. There were many great things that this man discovered, but there was one that troubled him a bit: at the base level of all things, molecules moved completely at random. There was no order to the little particles that made up everything. After growing up in a strong Lutheran family and ultimately converting to some sort of deism, Planck struggled with the ultimate randomness of the universe. After all, if God made everything, and if God made a plan, then shouldn't all things have order?

Planck's struggle with the randomness of the universe is similar to that of our own lives. We go through random experiences and we do random things and sometimes we feel as if our lives have little effect on the world around us. After all, we are just one person.

"One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart"

~Hold My Heart, Tenth Avenue North

I had this thought while sitting in my gazebo the other day. Belmont University has been around for 125 years, and several people have sat within the open walls of my gazebo. My story was small in comparison to the many stories that came to be from that gazebo. Yet for some reason, everything that happened there changed my whole life, and I became a different person there.

Perhaps there was something greater at hand.

Ironically, there was an answer to Planck's questions far before he asked them. In the mid 1800's, two men named Boltzmann and Maxwell applied statistics to systems in order to understand them more clearly.

What they discovered was that regardless of temperature, enthalpy, and a few other factors, that systems all had the same result. Entropy was increased.

Entropy is typically defined as disorder. After all, that seems to make a bit more sense to us. And it does call for some pretty funny comics.

If you did not want to read about physics, stick with me for just a second.

What Entropy really is is not increased disorder. Instead, it is an increase in possibilities. All systems move towards having more possibilities, even if it doesn't make sense. For example, sometimes a system gets colder after it does some amount of work. Everything else in science would say that this reaction would not happen, but it does...every single time.

Now let's think about the little random particles that Planck was studying. They were moving about randomly, and it seemed like they were not functioning as a unit.

But if you put them together, you can see that they are moving so that more possibilities may be made possible. Not only that, but if you look at the system as a whole, you will see that the majority of these seemingly random particles are moving towards that greater end. And as more and more particles come together, less and less of them are found in the outskirts.

All of creation is moving towards creating more.

God uses our seemingly random lives to create something greater.

Separated, it may all seem meaningless and empty, but in context, all of life has an ordered end: creation. Once in Heaven, we are unified with God, and through that Communion, we continue to take part in the creation of the world. God wills for more and more to happen.

But the increase in Entropy, the increase in possibilities, would not happen if it were not for the seemingly random motion of each molecule in the system.

So then, let's return to Belmont for a moment. Let's go back to my little gazebo in the middle of campus.

My Something Greater

At first, I was a scared and lonely girl. My family had just moved to Nashville, and my best friend from high school had decided that we were no longer friends. Heartbroken, lost, and confused, I decided to force myself out of my shell and talk to people that I never thought I would talk to before.

My first best day happened in the little gazebo across the giant stairs of Pembroke. In that place, the little girl was vulnerable for the first time. She talked to a boy she hardly knew about everything and anything; she was real.

Nostalgic and sentimental, I returned to that gazebo day after day. Most of the time, I did not bring anyone along with me. Nearly every day, I talked to God, and I thanked Him for the safety I had found in those I met. I had a story to tell, and I felt like I was part of something. If anything were to go wrong, I knew that I was safe in my gazebo, clutching to my rosary and begging God to give me the life I needed.

As my time at Belmont progressed, I met more and more people outside of my little gazebo. Some of them strengthened me. Some of them broke me down. They each had their own stories to tell, their own lives to live, their own little safe places on campus.

But I still had my gazebo.

And I hid inside it instead of talking to people about the more important things in my life.

I did not believe in something greater.

Then one day, I saw that I was alone. No one came to sit with me in the gazebo, and I felt completely silent in the context of the greater story. I felt tiny and worthless. The woman that had grown in confidence, beauty, and grace was now a girl consumed in desperation, infatuation, and sarcasm.

So I stood up and walked out of my gazebo. I walked to the people sitting in the Beaman, laying on the floor on my hallway, dancing in the BlackBox, recording on the weekends, playing in the Curb, drinking coffee at Bongo, and praying in the chapel.

So many lives

So many stories

So many different purposes

So seemingly random

Yet...these lives were part of something greater. They were each part of the Belmont community. Regardless of their majors, their creed, their relationship status, their age...anything really, these people were the surroundings that encased the system of my heart. I could release any of the pent up aggression, fear, or sadness that had broken my heart. I could participate in their activities. I could listen to their songs. I could listen to them. I could dance with them.

I could do anything with them.

I just had to release my energy and allow for the possibilities to come through to my heart.

I had to accept the laws of the universe and increase the entropy of my life.

Because of each of the lives at Belmont University, I found myself again. Instead of anger, I found peace. Instead of sass, I found empathy. Instead of silence, I found a solid prayer life. The seemingly random lives that I encountered every day were simply moving in my life so that I may move towards the ordered end of that God gave me: a life where anything was possible.

I was not stuck in the life I had created.

There was so much more.

Believe in Something Greater

I know that my experience of something greater is not the only one in Belmont's 125 year long story. Each member of the Belmont Community is deeply loved and respected and needed.

"For you are all one in Christ Jesus." ~Galatians 3:28

God put each life here to do something great. He did not just put you on this Earth by a whim. It wasn't just some silly joke. He is not playing Simms with your life.

No. He gave you a life so that you could be a part of what brings each person to Heaven, to that ultimate level of possibilities and creation. He made you so that more life could be found in you. Each person in my life has made it possible for me to find more life within my own little story, from the boy on night one to the sisters who sat with me in the Beaman this morning.

Belief is such an amazing word.

It is better than wishing for something greater, which is a sign that there is not something greater and you are desperate to find it. It is better than hope, which is a sign that you have given up and do not even know if you could find something greater. It is better than dream, because dreams are not reality. Take belief and turn it in to a verb:

Believe.

Believe is an active verb. It calls us to move towards that greater end. By believing in the "something greater," we are able to create something far greater than we could have ever imagined on our own.

So thank you Belmont for calling us to believe in something greater.

Thank you for letting me come back to my gazebo, day after day, and letting me pray for each life that will some day sit in the same spot as me, growing in to that great man or woman you created.

You Suffering Matters

Think about something that bothers you. Is it your stomach? Is it your schedule? Is it your ex, your friends, or your family? Is it that one hair that never seems to fall in to place? Is it your job?

Maybe it is something deeper than that.

Is it loneliness? Is it anger? Is it desperation? Is it envy? Is it heartbreak?

We all have something that is hurting us. Every single person is experiencing some form of struggle, and whether it is an emotional or physical pain, it is part of their life. Behind all of the smiles and jokes, there is a child struggling to find their place.

At some point, you just start to accept that  something sucks. You know that your heart has been broken, or that you are now allergic to your favorite food, or your grades are not quite what you expected them to be. It is easy to handle each little thing, but as these struggles start to pile up, the story changes.

At its Worst

How about those days when everything seems to go wrong? What about those days when you cannot get anything right? Your car breaks down, you wore your shirt backwards, and you left your keys in your room. You find out your friends were talking about you behind your back, and your crush suddenly finds love...somewhere else of course.

You try to cope, but as the events start to pile up, you get crushed.

It is in these times where we feel the most abandoned. No one seems to understand why we are so upset about the little thing we tell them about. We sit in our rooms, fuming because of the misinterpretation of the world. Angry, hurt, and lost.

And it does not seem to be getting any better.

So you tell yourself that if you just keep doing what you are supposed to that it will all get better. If you study harder, your classes will get easier. If you work harder, you will be able to make more money and your coworkers will respect you more. If you live more fully, then your heart will heal and you won't have to be alone anymore.

But you are still alone.

You are still struggling.

And no one understands.

Does it really matter? All of our pain, all of our sorrow, all of our anger...does any of it really make a difference in the world? Why are people dying of diseases like Alzheimer's? Why is cancer still a thing? Why are more and more mental illnesses being diagnosed? Why do we feel pain?

It all seems worthless.

It isn't.

Someone Else Felt Your Pain

In the first century AD, there was a poor man. He worked with his hands until they were raw. Then one day, he went out to preach. Because of his kind words and good works, many people followed him. They came in massive crowds from all over the land.

Then one day, the man started to preach about more difficult things. He was not a "feel good" person anymore, and his followers did not like him anymore. After one short exchange, thousands left his presence. Only twelve remained. They were not cool, nor were they all too bright.

The people that did not like the man decided to get rid of him. But because they were jealous people, they decided to humiliate him in the process. Instead of being treated like any other citizen, they mocked him like a slave and gave him a cruel punishment.

The kind man who worked hard his entire life was forced to carry a giant cross and be hung upon it.

Pain

Rejection

Loss

It all came to this man, a man who did not deserve it. He deserved all of the friends in the world, and he deserved a comfortable life. He should have been a king.

He chose this instead

It was this man's pain that saved the world. He felt everything that we have felt. His arms were sore. His father passed away. His friends left him. He was misunderstood, hated, and lonely. No matter what we feel, he has felt it before. Jesus Christ knows everything, not just by knowledge itself, but by the wisdom of experience.

Your Pain Matters

"It is the cross that tells you that your pain matters." ~Fr. John Simms Baker

God's Son got on the Cross that day because He loved you. Something I have always wondered is if the salvation of the world would have been possible had Jesus not died in this humiliating manner. Also, would anyone have cared if Jesus had been rich and then was put to death?

I don't think so.

Jesus lived a common life. People could relate to Him. That, and He was not just some fake public figure who had a government to run or a social circle to worry about. Jesus was a regular guy who seemed to have everything go wrong all the time. Every single bad day we have, Jesus had for the majority of His life.

Despite all of that Jesus endured

He willingly said, "I love you."

And He died.

People noticed that about Jesus. Regardless of what suffering was present, Jesus was able to come and take it away. Each little malady was taken away, each lonely woman found comfort, everything imaginable was healed.

Even death on a cross.

The Most Important Work You'll Ever Do

When we undergo pain and heartache, we have the opportunity to act as Christ did. We live through the struggle and show love. By showing a certain level of grace, despite the struggle, allows the light of the world to come. When we come to someone else, crying because we cannot take it anymore, beauty is made visible.

Suffering gives love an opportunity to come in.

And when love comes, Heaven is seen.

Souls are saved.

You may not feel it right now, but your struggles are saving souls. Your smile to the girls who can't seem to hold it together may remind them that God does love them. Your ability to stand up, even though your ankle is sprained, shows the world that you can find strength.

And each person that comes to your aid allows for a little bit of Heaven to shine through to all who witness their actions and to you as you go through each day.

Fight the good fight.

Do not feel like you have to fight alone.

For your cross, and those who carry it with you, is what allows us to join Jesus in the salvation of the world.

3 Reasons Why Saying Goodbye is a Good Thing

Many of us believe that if we are no longer associated with someone that we did something wrong. Clearly they were our friend, and we loved them, but they decided that they did not need us anymore.

We strive to stay so that someone else might.

We don't say goodbye to the people and places that negatively impact our lives, nor do we move on towards our dreams. We hold on, even though we know we shouldn't.

I am not saying that long term relationships are not possible. I am certainly not saying that maintaining a beneficial relationship, such as a family like my own, is wrong. In fact, I believe that there are some key people that are meant to stay in your life.

But you don't have to hurt just to avoid being alone

And here is why:

1. The World is Not Meant to Remain Constant

All life changes and moves. Nothing, not even the mountains, maintains their form.

So then why should we?

Surely, there are some things that stay the same. The Earth still has its general structure, and the continents still exist. Animals still hunt, and humanity still rules the land. However, at the end of the day, nature changes so that something greater can happen.

At the genetic level, DNA separates in order for new strands to be made, new proteins to be translated, and new processes to occur. If the DNA did not separate, then the cell would die. This is because the separation allows for new interactions, ones that are necessary for all aspects of life.

When we choose to hold on to something that is not healthy for us, we are not allowing ourselves to act as nature drives us to. We cannot make new connections, ones that we so desperately need in order to feel fulfilled.

It is in our DNA to shift and change.

Nothing is wrong with you or the person.

Sometimes life just does not work in the configuration that you are in.

And that is ok.


2. The End Does Not Mean Bad Blood

I think the hardest part about leaving someone is the fear of drama. We like to think that everyone else cares about who we are friends with and who we talk to and who we are in love with. After all, they bothered to listen to us complain about it, so then obviously they are going to eat up all of the aftermath correct?

"Cause, baby, now we got bad blood

you know it used to be mad love" ~Taylor Swift

We like to think that because of the injury caused by that person that everything we used to know about them is gone. It's all bad blood now. Caught up in the drama of it all, we create an enemy in the one that we left.

They are the enemy.

And because we don't want enemies, we stay.

I would like to offer an alternative. It's not exactly my idea, but rather the idea presented by Walt Disney's Fox and the Hound, my favorite Disney movie.

"Goodbye may seem forever

Farewell is like the end

But in my heart's a memory

And there you'll always be"

Just because you are no longer part of that person's life does not mean that you have to lose everything about them. Maybe your time together has ended, but the benefits of that relationship do not have to be over.

Why would you forget about the time that you texted them that you were sitting outside their house in the freezing cold and they came to sit with you? Or that time that you danced in the sprinklers? Or those moments that did not really matter to anyone, but made your day?

But when you need the help, you can dig those memories out of your heart. Your heart is where all of the blood is collected and transported. So then if you choose to maintain the good memories over the bad, then none of the blood will be bad.

Just because they hurt you does not mean everything was a waste.

It is just time to find new memories.

3. You Will Not Be Alone

The greatest fear we have with saying goodbye is the fear of being alone. We fear that our friendships will deteriorate, or that maybe we will not find someone that will understand us as well as that other person did.

We would rather feel the pain of not being loved in return than take the chance to be alone.

But you are not alone.

Allow me to interject with my own story.

I recently decided to end a very long friendship, one that was filled with unnecessary drama and had far too many people involved with it. Because of how many people became my friends through that story, I was terrified that no one would want to talk to me anymore, or maybe they would judge me for "giving up" on my old friend. I was sick to my stomach at the thought of having to face my senior year alone.

Ironically enough, I do not even know if he cared. I do not even know if he knows that we are not friends anymore.

That does not matter though.

Because I took the risk of removing myself from that place, I found myself more available to those around me. The friends that I had found over the years were still there, and many of them rejoiced at the amount of time I had to spend with them. They did not have to ask why I was able to be with them again; they just missed me.

It turns out that one of my sorority sisters had actually been keeping tabs on my old friend and I, even after she had moved out of my building. She talked to people about it. Even though I was wrapped up in that relationship, she still cared about me.

Regardless of how far you have gone, people will always care.

You will never be alone.

You are made for something greater.

Believe in something greater.

I believe in you.

Your Life Begins Outside Your Comfort Zone

"Life begins at the end  of your comfort zone." I am sure that my Dear Readers have seen this phrase before. It is typically used when someone is trying to convince someone else to do something different. Sometimes it is posted like this:

Regardless of how we have been exposed to it, most people identify "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone" as a meaningless cliche.

What we need to remember is that we must go outside of our comfort zone.

Where is my comfort zone?

If we are to go outside of our comfort zone, then we need to know where to begin. Unfortunately, there is not a clear definition of a comfort zone. However, there are a few different versions that I have found in my own life.

1. Your daily routine- everyone has their ways to unwind or get started or eat and whatnot. It is easy to stick to a routine, even when it includes something that is unhealthy.

2. Your relationships- We all have a circle of friends that we associate ourselves with. And as they say, the people you associate with define who you are.

3. Your location- Sometimes we chose to stay in the same place simply because we do not want to remove ourselves from the places and people that we know.

Obviously there are more definitions of a comfort zone, but for time-sake, I will have to move on. However, there is one clear theme amongst these comfort zones: they make use feel happy.

Why is my comfort zone bad if I am happy?

There is a reason it is called our comfort zone. We feel safe and secure in our comfort zone. Everything makes some sort of sense, and we can predict what is coming next. Even if it is not perfect, we know that our lives have structure.

We think that we are happy.

This is one of the greatest mind tricks of all time, and we do it to ourselves.  Because we have convinced ourselves that our lives are good, we do not strive to be better. We do not want to change our way of life losing its consistency. No consistency means no stability which means no security which means no comfort which means no joy.

Even if it would make us happier, we chose to ignore that option. We hide in our routine, our fantasized relationships, or our bedrooms, just to keep ourselves safe. It is frightening that something could be better than what we already know.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. 

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. 

We are not as happy as we may think we are, and we know it.

What is true happiness?

I realize that that last statement seemed a bit morbid. I am certainly not saying that any of my Dear Readers are not happy people. What I am saying is that there is something better. We can always find something better.

So what is the absolute best?

Heaven.

Each human being was designed to be with God in Heaven. Our whole lives are meant to bring us to be in union with God, and as a result, in communion with one another. Heaven, our true home, is the ultimate form of happiness. We will not experience Heaven until we move on from this life, but it is indeed possible to experience Heaven in small ways on Earth.

But where is Heaven on Earth?

Outside of your comfort zone.

Why is Heaven outside of our comfort zone?

It is interesting how throughout the Old Testament God calls the Israelites to go elsewhere. I always felt like they were constantly searching for their true home, and I felt bad for them.

Then I realized what was happening. 

Each time God's chosen people came to a place, something amazing happened. Either the walls of Jericho fell or a war was won or food came from the sky.

But it is not just an Old Testament experience. In the New Testament, the phrase, "and Jesus passed by" comes up numerous times, and every single time, a miracle happens. Jesus did not stay in his hometown, his "comfort zone" if you will.

"Amen I say to you, no prophet is accepted in his own native place" ~Luke 4:24

When we go outside of our comfort zone, amazing things are possible. This is mostly because our perceived limitations are no longer present. If we do not have any particular expectations, then we can do as much as we can.

And if we can do anything, then God can do anything.

God is able to work outside of our comfort zone, and because He is working within us, glimpses of Heaven are made present.

My Story

Those you who have been reading know that I like to share why this topic is important to me. So that's what I am doing now.

Outside the Zone

This summer has been extremely transformative for me. I would go in to detail, but it will be less redundant if you go here. Because of the experiences I had with my lab at Notre Dame, I had come to know that I was capable of science, worthy of healthy and meaningful relationships, and a truly beautiful child of God.

None of this would have been possible had I not chased my dreams.

Outside of my comfort zone.

Remember how I listed the three types of comfort zones? When I went to Notre Dame, I thought that the only change I was making was in my location. I thought that because I was still talking to people back in Nashville and sticking to a daily routine that I had only changed where I was having my life experiences.

I thought it was only Notre Dame that made me a better person.

Returning to my Zone

That being said, I was terrified about returning to Belmont. During the week leading up to my move in day, my acid reflux returned, I couldn't sleep, and my anxiety was through the roof. Because of the changes I had made in my life during my REU, I was finally confident. If it was only the location that brought that joy in to my life, then going back to Belmont might change things.

I was terrified I was going to become who I used to be.

I was worried that I would be that girl who used to sit in her gazebo, obsessing over the same situation, being more sassy than necessary, and not caring about people in the way she knew she should.

The past few days of RA training have proven this to be false.

RA Training

When I got back to campus, I did not feel the need to go to any of my usual sentimental locations. Instead, I decided to stay in my new Residence Hall and get to know my staff. I did not hide my passions from the world.

And guess what?

I was accepted by this amazing staff.

We own the awkward "family" photos

No Place or Situation Defines You

Yes, being outside of your comfort zone allows your life to fully begin, but where that happens or how that happens does not define who you are. If that were true, then these experiences and locations would become our new comfort zones.

It is who you become in each new location that defines who you are.

Because I decided to maintain the personality that I had gained from the experience I had this summer, I was able to take this new person in to an old location.

I could go in to how I have already started to feel myself growing within this hall already, but that is unnecessary.

It is ok to go outside of your comfort zone. You may fail, but you will not fail to become greater.

"to live in a manner worthy of the Lord, so as to be fully pleasing, in every good work bearing fruit and growing in the knowledge of God" ~ Colossians 1:10