No one tells you just how lonely it is going to be when you stop talking to your best friend. If they support your decision, they tell you that you can do better, and they will tell you that they are there for you. Of course, since it is not a break up by traditional means, most people tend to move on much faster than you do.
I spent most of this semester alone.
As an extrovert, I gain most of my energy from other people. I need to be around people, and I need to share my life with them. With a best friend, it is possible to simply sit in the same room without doing a whole lot. With a best friend, it is possible to tell them everything (even what you ate for breakfast). With a best friend, it is possible to visit them without much warning or planning. With a best friend, there is security.
I lost my security blanket.
And I was lonely.
And I was drained.
A couple weeks ago, I collapsed on the chapel floor. I sobbed for a half hour, asking God over and over why He thought it was a good idea to make the most extroverted person give up a friendship and not replace his constant companionship with something greater.
I could not hear Him, so I dragged myself across the floor to the altar. All I wanted was companionship, and I did not know what to do. As I continued to sob, I curled up around the altar, hugging the base as tightly as I could. That is, until my body finally relaxed and my loud sobs turned as weak my body had become.
And in that vulnerable state that God lead me to, He taught me a valuable lesson.
You are never alone.
It is hard to believe that you are not alone when you do not have a person. While the whole world seems to be able to share fun Buzzfeed links, have lunch, or laugh with someone, you are sitting off in the corner all by yourself. There is not an easy relationship that you can depend on anymore, and without that...you feel completely isolated from the world.
No person?
No life.
That is simply not true. You do not need a person. You have your people. These are the people who love you and are there for you, but they do not monopolize your time. These are the people who share experiences with you, laugh with you, and grow with you, even if they are not there every day of the week.
Maybe they are people that have the same values as you
They know what matters to you, and they support you in all you do. They understand when it is difficult to understand the tough stuff, and they listen to your late night vents about the "injustice" of it all. God taught me that these people, while not really your family, defend you like you are part of their family. People who share your values and let you love them remind us that we will always matter to someone and our thoughts are not worthless.
Maybe they are people that share your faith.
They pray for you at night, and they are always willing to have a little Jesus chat at any point of the day. If anything, God taught me that sometimes we cannot hear Him directly, but it is through these people that we can hear His love. Their prayers reassure us that we will never truly be on our own in the good fight.
Maybe they are people that have been there all along.
These people are the ones that have watched you grow for a long time, and they have been at your side the entire time. Your communication level varies. However, you can always count on them. God showed me that these people are important because they see the whole picture. They see the dark corners, and they see the bright colors, and they love every bit of it. Silence does not mean that there is a lack of solidarity.
Maybe they are people you have yet to meet.
God showed me this year that sometimes you have to just yourself back out there. He forced me to find new people to talk to, and He gave me people that were willing to let me come in. They had to pry me away from my work sometimes, but they brought love in to my life in ways I had not yet experienced.
Maybe they are the ones that have really been there all along.
These people share your genes, and they have seen you at every stage of your life. From the moment you walked to the moment you came home for the most recent vacation, they have been there for you. God really showed me this semester that even thought it is nice to have lots of friends, that a phone call home is just as effective as a heart to heart with someone new. I could not have made it through without calling my parents, cuddling my little sisters, or hanging out with my brothers. I never had to be afraid of rejection from them. Family is family, and they are never going to go away.
Your people will always be there.
They may be pseudo families, church companions, old friends, new friends, or your actual biological family, but they are always there. It is not necessary for you to find them because they are already there.
You have people.
They love you.
The only thing that you may be missing are your glasses. I know that I did not recognize my people until God brought me down to that level. Yet in my vulnerability, He reminded me of the people that love me for who I am, who I was, and who I will be.
By being lonely, I learned who loved me.
I think that's better than any lecture I attended.
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