“I have heard your prayer and seen your tears. I will heal you.” -2 Kings 20:5

For those who may know me a little, it may come as a shock that I had a rough couple of weeks. Considering the fact I was successful with the GRE, have a FOCUS interview, and my residents love me, I should not be complaining about anything. There is nothing wrong with me...at least not in the general sense of the word.

I have been struggling because I couldn't hear God anymore.

In the past, I could go to the lab and feel confident in His gift of science to me. I could hear Him tell me how amazing the world was around me. Yet when I came in to the lab for the past few weeks, I could only think of how terrible it would be if my enzyme failed to work or if I was missing something by being stuck in a lab all day every day.

In the past, if I were to help a resident with a problem, I would feel as if I drew closer to them. I felt accomplished and like I had done something right. Yet when I started to bond with them on a deeper level again, I was anxious about their problems progressing or them lying when I checked up on them later on.

I went to the chapel and wept.

I begged God to tell me what to do.

It was silent.

As all of this was going on, I was watching many of those around me falling down in to some new level of sadness that I could not help with. I was watching people fill their holes with alcohol and drugs and sex. I was watching lives change, and I was unable to help anyone. I felt completely helpless where I once was so important.

I wanted to talk to these people.  I wanted them to know that I loved them, and that even if I was mere a Facebook friend that I was still there for them. Even though God wasn't talking to me directly, I would pray for them every night.

I did not know to do.

And God was not telling me anything.

Then I went to Adoration on Wednesday. We sang the song Letting Go by Matt Maher. And as I sang, I offered up all of the words to the God who I knew loved me, even if we weren't speaking clearly anymore.

I'm holding onto Your love
I'm letting go of myself
I'll say so long to everything else

I stand in awe of You
And everything You've done for me
You speak Your words into my life
And where You are is where I wanna be

And I came to this realization: Jesus completely understood what I was feeling. He loved us from before time began. That is a heck of a long time, so it would take a lot to change that love. 

He wanted me to know that He loved me. He wanted to tell me that it would all be ok. He wanted me to tell him everything, and He wanted to listen to me. He wanted me to feel loved by Him. And yet there I was, hiding from Him through worldly things. I was obsessed with what people thought of me, what job I would do, and what I was associated with. I did not care about who or what I loved. I was filling the God shaped hole in my life with everything else.

I was holding on

To anger

To jealousy

To fear

To loss

God wants us to let go of everything. He wants us to stop hiding ourselves. He loves us so much, and it kills Him inside when we ignore Him with our little problems that could very well be offered up to Him. He wants to have our whole lives, and He wants to be able to give it all back to us, renewed and changed.

I love these people. I love these people that I rarely speak to, or never speak to in some circumstances. I love them because God loved them first, and I want them to know rhat they are important.

God wanted me to know that.

So I am letting go

of my anger

of my jealousy

of my fear

of all my failures.

Let go of all these things too my friends. Stop hurting yourself by ignoring the God who loves you. 

Be happy.

You deserve to be hapy.

And if that means admitting that something needs to change in yourself, in your view of the world, in the way you have acted, then go ahead and do those things. Let yourself be happy. Let yourself live the life that God wants you to live. I assure you....it feels freer on the other side.