A Happy Heart

“Whatever you do, make sure you do it with a happy heart.” 

My mother consistently told me this when I would sulk at the mere thought of having to do the dishes. I have come to realize throughout my life, especially during my time here at Belmont University, that that has become to be the most important bit of advice I could have asked for. My mother’s kind words enabled me to see the value in solidarity, community, and a heart that refuses to stop loving.

My journey of faith here at Belmont truly began once I was blessed with the opportunity to become an RA. As an RA, I was given the chance to create not only a floor rooted in friendship, but a family fueled by love. 

I made sure to emphasize to my residents that no one should ever feel alone. As a Christian community, it was each of our responsibility to make sure everyone was accounted for. To make sure everyone was embraced. 

Little did I know that this sentiment would send shockwaves throughout my floor. I watched students deliver tea to their sick peers. Even when I was having a rough day, jovial friends were always prepared to take me out for a milkshake. My residents illustrated God’s infinite love in their attitudes and random acts of kindness.

What I did not realize was that not only Residence Life, but every facet of Belmont University is designed to engage and transform the lives of each student that is planted here, even the science labs. From the moment I started to learn lab techniques and write out problems on the whiteboards, my professors were pushing me to keep learning, keep searching, keep developing the talents that God had given me.

The truth is, my professors merely catalyzed my inclination towards science. And as any scientist would know, a catalyst does not change the person, but rather speeds up what was already there. God gives each one of us unique and valuable gifts, hidden inside our passions and dreams. 

What our professors, advisors, and even Anotonio at the Caf recognized is that with a little bit of encouragement and support from a strong community, it is possible for us to achieve our dreams, to become the people that God created us to be. With God behind us, it is not a dream at all. On the contrary, it is a destination. It is not merely a fleeting thought of success, but rather a place that we will joyously arrive at.

Belmont is a beautiful place, and not just for its flowers. 

Here we are told to “Believe in something greater.” 

Believe is such an amazing word. 

It is better than wishing for something greater, which is a sign that there is not something greater and you are desperate to find it. 

Believe is better than hope, which is a sign that you have given up, and you do not even know if you could find something greater. 

Believe is better than dream, because dreams are not reality. 

Believe. 

Believe is an active verb. It calls us to move towards that greater end. By believing in the "something greater," we are able to create something far greater than we could have ever imagined on our own. 

I recognized the impact of God’s hand in Belmont’s community when I was given the opportunity to intern in a research lab. I worked just as I had in my science classes while on campus. I maintained a positive attitude, despite the arduous path before me, and I trusted in the help of both my peers and my God. 

At the end of the summer, our Post Doc from China tenderly acknowledged, 

“You different. 

You happy. 

You make us happy.” 

It was Belmont’s values that allowed me to have a lasting impact on those around me. Just as my mother told me when I was young, and Belmont reassured me when I matured, it is with a happy heart that one can truly engage and transform the world.

Look Up

I do not know how many of my Dear Readers have noticed, but our society has a problem with looking down. Constantly. It is a result of looking at our phones, tablets, and for the common student, hunching over our textbooks during an all-nighter.

Fun fact: our heads are heavy. (no matter how big your ego is.) When we put our bodies in this position, we add an extra 60 pounds to our spine.

60 pounds guys.

That is like a small child is sitting straight on your spine.

No wonder back pain affects 85% of Americans!

There is another reason why we look down. You encounter it everyday. Regardless of where we are walking, who we are around, or where we need to be going, we look down at our feet as we walk around. Instead of looking at those around us, we look at our shoes.

Or how about going in to an elevator without your phone? After a soft smile or Suh Dude, we end up looking at our phones. If you do not have your phone, you have to face the tragedy of uncomfortable silence filled with social media you know that your elevator companion has already read, but is choosing to scroll through again to avoid speaking to you.

My challenge this week was simple: Look Up.

When I walked through campus, I put my phone in my pocket and looked at the people around me. When I got in the elevator, I tried my best to have a full conversation with the unfortunate soul that wanted to avoid the RA. Basically, I kept my head in proper alignment.

Here are some things I noticed:

1. People really need love.

One of the best things that I got to do when I walked across campus was look straight in to the eyes of people walking past me and smile at them. I wish I could say that people expected it, but I could tell by the way they looked at me that they were genuinely surprised that someone engaged them that day.

6 beautiful souls had tearful eyes.

Countless eyes were filled with anxiety.

I do not know why these people were distressed, but I know that they needed love. I know that when I am struggling that I tend to avoid the gaze of those around me. I tend to hide myself away so as not to look weak. Honestly, if I had just received a smile from a stranger on a day where I failed an exam or was rejected, I probably would not have responded so negatively.

2. You do not need a soundtrack to your life.

At the beginning of the week, I put my Beats on as I walked across campus. It was a bit of a safety blanket, but the music quickly became more of a hinderance than an asset.

If I was looking at people, then I inevitably would have to greet them, and if they said anything to me, I would have to respond. With my music on, I could hardly hear them. I am sure that I responded improperly every time someone spoke to me. Was I good or was I on my way to class? 

Who knows.

We do not need to have a soundtrack to our lives. Instead, our soundtracks are the small greetings and the giggles we share with those we encounter. By looking up, I saw just how joyful my life could become if I simply engaged in each stranger I met.

3. It is hard to keep your head up on a bad day.

Last Wednesday was an awful day for me. My presentation went poorly, I was tired, my friends all made plans with out me, I missed my old friends, and I was just overall sick of how lonely I felt.  After my night class, I went to bathroom and I finally allowed myself to cry.

Then I realized...

I had to cross campus.

This was the hardest day to keep my head up, but I knew that I would be mad at myself if I kept my head down. Because I was so tired and sad, I could not keep the tears from streaming down my face as I walked.

My staff members immediately noticed something was wrong. After all, my name means “happiness,” and I rarely had a bad day, let alone cried in public. And without me asking, they sprang in to action. One of them told me that he was praying for me as I hit the elevator button. Another one of them came to my room and brought me Hershey Kisses and a Hug. (Hugs and Kisses as she cleverly called it).

This moment showed me that even though it was hard for me to look up and show myself to the world, it was all the more necessary to let others see me. I was vulnerable, and people were able to love on me.

4. Do not look away from something just because you are scared of the outcome.

On the same day, I shared a less than positive experience. On my way back from class, I ran in to quite a few people.

Almost every single one of them looked away, fiddling for their phone, pretending that they were getting a phone call. 

A surprising large number avoided me by crossing the street.

After spending a few days looking in to the eyes of these people, after smiling and loving on them, I could not believe that there was not a single person that could not just look up from their phone for five seconds to smile at the crying girl.

Then I remembered: I used to do the exact same thing.

While we would love to say that we are there to comfort the stranger, we tend to avoid uncomfortable and messy situations. We do not know what they are going through, and even though we probably could help them, we choose to avoid the unknown. It is hard enough to help our best friend, let alone a stranger.

But we need to take care of our fellow humans. We need to recognize their crosses, and we need to get behind them and lighten the load, even if it is for only a few steps.

All we need to do is look up.

And see them.

My grandfather, Tata, was a great man. He was an immigrant from Italy who lived in New Jersey. Tata had to learn english, and he was a quiet and shy boy. My grandmother, Monga, loves to tell us how he tackled his shyness. My shy little Tata would go to the city and he would look straight in to the eyes of everyone that passed him.

I can only imagine how many lives touched Tata’s in those formative days of his life. I can only imagine how many lives he touched just by looking at these strangers. All I know is that he grew up to be a confident and loving man who I look up to every day.

Even though he has passed, I know that my Tata is still looking in to the eyes of each member of my family, each friend of his, and probably many others, and loving them.

So let’s look up friends.

Our spines and our hearts will be grateful for it.

The World IS Rigged

My little brother Mark sent a text to his best friend about success and how it is seen by the world. His words ring true to all who experience success and all who wish to live the lives of the elite.

Everyone has to come to the understanding that the world is rigged. It is. The people above you have it easier....

Have you ever noticed a person who seems to have everything go their way? They win all the contests, get the best grades, and have the coolest group of friends. It seems like their lives have always been perfect, and you wonder if they ever had a bad day.

If you look a little more closely howevr, you may notice that these people are not just successful and happy, but they are also hated on by several people. Every successful Youtube video has hateful comments. Every politician has a large group of people tweeting about why they would ruin the world. Every popular girl has a trail of angry girls spreading gossip about events that may never have happened.

When you find success everyone will look up at you as if you’re the problem with the world. You’re the reason they’re struggling. 

Instead of saying that this person is simply blessed or successful, we as a society tend to blame them for our troubles. It’s their fault that we did not get the highest grade in the class. It’s their fault that the guy we like doesn’t like us back. It’s their fault that we don’t have enough money to buy the things we want.

We assume that these people just keep giving to themselves. 

I witnessed something very similar to this with my younger sisters. There was a toy that one of them was playing with. It was an animal toy, just like the dozens of others sitting in the box.

The other one wanted the toy.

Instead of grabbing one the identical ones in the box, my sister insisted on snatching the animal out of my other sister’s hand. Suddenly, they start screaming and crying. They both want the toy, and they will fight tooth and nail to get it back.

Then they were both sent to their rooms, and no one could play.

They could have played together if my sister had taken the time to recognize that she did not need the specific toy that my other sister had. She could have picked up an identical animal toy and played with her. They could both be happy.

She chose to fight for what someone else already had.

Success is not a measure of how what others have in comparison to you. 

Just because someone has something does not mean that you cannot have something similar, or even the exact same thing. Sure, you may not be dating the star athlete, but maybe you are dating someone that makes you feel like a champion. Sure, you may not be the top of the class, but you are the person that all of the professors love and give recommendations to. Sure you may not have the same skinny stature someone else has, but you know you are healthy and capable of living a long life.

Success is setting a goal, however high, and attaining that goal. It is about making it wherever you want to go, in whichever area of life you choose, career you want, or social circle you desire. Just because someone has a great life does not mean that you cannot be successful as well.

Regardless, no matter where you go, people are going to hate you for your success.

But not everyone. 

A select few will be like you. They’ll see you climbed without a safety net, and learned how to clip in all on your own. They’ll reach the same summit you did, because they worked just as hard. 

Just as you may have haters as a result of your success, you will also have supporters. People who support you may not have the same type of success, but they will know how you got there.

I have a friend who rock climbs all the time. One day, I was watching someone climb up the wall, and I was impressed by how quickly they made it up the wall. I wanted to be that strong. When I asked my friend what she thought, she told me that she was impressed by the “moves” that they did.

Rock climbers know that there are types of moves that people use to climb up the wall. These tricks and maneuvers seem fluid to an untrained observer, but for those who have climbed before, they know just how difficult it is to grab certain rocks in certain ways.

They know how many times that person has fallen trying to perfect that one specific move.

People who are successful appear like they are capable of anything, and life appears easier to them because they are able to succeed based on what they have done before. They know the tricks and the pitfalls and the fears and the dangers of whatever task lies ahead of them. And just like climbing a wall, you cannot be successful until you get working and get climbing.

Success is a measure of the number of moves and tricks you have mastered on your way to the top. Because you have practiced and put the work in, you know what is coming next, and you know what to do.

Life looks easier because success breeds success.

The hard work put in, while unseen by those who have yet to try, is what makes life seem so seamless for these people.No matter how many times you try to blame them for your inability to climb the mountain for yourself, they will always be able to remember how they got to the top.

By complaining and spending time throwing hateful comments and backstabbing those who are successful, we accomplish nothing.

But some people won’t get that. They stay in the valley, looking up at peaks that their work ethic won’t let them reach. They’ll curse you, and they’ll curse me. 

We as a society sit in the middle, cursing those who seem to have it all. We blame the rich kids for making our lives miserable. We blame the authorities for our friends breaking the law. We blame politicians for our lives being difficult. We blame organizations, churches, and family members for the way things are.

Working hard does not matter anymore to the American people. We want our money handed to us. We want to lose weight fast. We want our headache to go away as soon as we take our medicine. We want emotional baggage to be instantly removed as soon as we take the first drink of the night.

So we sit in the valley, refusing to get on the mountain, because we do not want to fall back down.

If there is anything in life that has scared me the most, it is the fear of failing. I fear that if I reach for anything that I will simply lose everything. I fear that if I apply to my dream school that I will be rejected. I believe if I try to talk to the cute guy at church that he’ll just ignore me. I believe that if I try to go to the group fitness classes that I will be made fun of by the girls whose legs don’t jiggle when they jump.

But I chose to apply to my dream school, I chose to talk to cute boys, and I chose to attend as many group fitness classes as I could.

I got in to my dream school. Cute boys talk to me now. I am starting to see more muscle in my body, and I am ignoring the fat reserves I still have.

I was successful, and I will continue to be successful.

It is true that the world is rigged. When we put the effort forth, we continue to succeed and we continue to be successful. In spite of all the things that we do, we are going to be successful.

But we cannot let the world tell us to stop trying.

We know what has been effective, what will work, and how our mission will proceed.

Those that hate us may take away our social capital. They can throw stones at us, make fun of us, and make us feel like our efforts are worthless. Regardless of what they do, we will always be able to succeed if we believe in the work we do.

Believe in what you do.

Believe in your efforts.

Even when the haters make fun of you when you fall, you know that you will learn the moves, and you know that it will work out. You just have to tune them out when they laugh at your bruised and beaten bodies. 

In time, the failures will only be a distant memory, and their laughter will be too faint for you to hear anymore.

You will succeed at everything and anything.

Because after all, the world is rigged. 

Rigged in favor of those who try.

Full Quotation:

“Everyone has to come to the understanding that the world is rigged. It is. The people above you have it easier. So the only way to survive is work harder than anyone else. When you find success everyone will look up at you as if you’re the problem with the world. You’re the reason they’re struggling. But not everyone. A select few will be like you. They’ll see you climbed without a safety net, and learned how to clip in all on your own. They’ll reach the same summit you did, because they worked just as hard. But some people won’t get that. They stay in the valley, looking up at peaks that their work ethic won’t let them reach. They’ll curse you, and they’ll curse me. Because after all, the world is rigged. Rigged in favor of those who try.” ~Mark Thomas Newton

Lonely In Your Chapter

We all like to say that we are all there for each other and that our chapters are different.

We like to say that everyone has our back and that we feel safe sharing anything with anyone.

We like to say that everything is perfect.

But it isn't.

As much as we love what our sororities stand for, there is something that has crept in to Greek Life that we cannot ignore anymore. It is something that makes some of us feel important, strong, better than anyone else. It is something that tears others apart, and it is killing the meaning behind "Sisterhood."

We form cliques.

Some call it squad. Some call it family. Some call it posse. Whatever it is, we find our little group of friends that we stick to within the chapter, and we avoid the possibility of having an uncomfortable conversation with someone new.

Then we go and complain that we do not know anyone in our chapter.

Because of the clique-y nature of our sororities, we close ourselves off from new relationships. If we do not party, or if we do not go to the same parties, or if we do not have a class with these people, we stand aside. We will smile nicely if they are wearing our letters, but we do not go past that. We do not invite them to grab lunch or coffee, and we certainly do not leave our group when we are at a sisterhood event.

This is not why we joined Greek Life.

Most women enter a sorority because they want to associate themselves with other women that share the same values and are able to lift them up. A sorority is meant to foster kindness and support and friendship across the board. If we wanted to pay to be sorted in to a clique based on our major or personality, then we would just go back to high school.

The number of times that I have seen a sister, whether it be in my own sorority or another one on campus, sitting alone in the middle of her sisters and being completely ignored is too high.

Why do we let people be lonely in a crowded room?

Why do we ignore the fact that while we may have friends, someone is desperately searching for a place to call home?

When I first joined Greek Life, I was one of the girls who sat alone at the basketball games. People talked to me sometimes, and everyone was very accepting and nice, but they were too involved in their clique to really include me on their own. I was very hurt that no one invited me to hang out with them.

I could have dwelled on this.

I could have grown bitter and cynical.

I could have resented the women of my chapter.

But I did something different.

I decided to be the leader that I wanted to see. When I noticed a sister sitting on her own, I would go sit with her. When I met a new member, I made a point to learn their name, find out their twitter handle, and I made sure to tell her which sisters may have the same interests as them. When I go to sporting events, I sit with new sisters each time. When I know I am going to a sisterhood event, I try to meet a new woman each time.

I chose to not have a clique.

I still have my family, and I am extremely grateful for that. My big has supported me beyond compare, and my little has helped me become more confident in the world. However, I do not let my family consume my entire experience within my chapter.

Because I chose to be without a clique, I have had the opportunity to be included in many different cliques. This includes the women who party, but they do not broadcast it on social media. This includes the nerds who save our chapter's GPA. This includes the srat stars, the new members, the quiet girls, the loud girls, the religious girls, the non-religious girls, and most importantly, it includes the women that I never would have expected to meet on my own.

I have gained the love and support of all 196 women within my chapter.

While so many women speak on feeling lonely within their chapters, I have found a place to call home on my college campus.

I have gained the greatest clique of them all: my chapter.

All because I chose to avoid making a clique.

I urge each woman reading this message to reach out to their sisters. I urge you to get to know someone new. I urge you to talk to someone who may feel a bit out of place at chapter. I urge you to look away from your phone and your flawless instagram pictures to look in to the eyes of your sisters and see someone who needs your love.

Let's change #SquadGoals in to #ChapterGoals

Let's mean it when we say, "I have 200 women who are there for me."

Overcomplicate the Simple

My lab group has been struggling on the same freshman biology experiment for about a month now. It is a simple experiment where you combine yeast, sugar, and an indicator to see a bright yellow color. Week one showed no color. Week two showed no color. Week three? Yes. We had no color.

That is, until we changed the yeast.

At first, we had a fancy lab grown yeast solution. My professor said that it was prepared correctly, so we should be fine with it. Because he was so adamant about the yeast being ok, we changed every single part of our procedure to try to get the reaction to work.

Temperature, better sugar solution, more concentrated indicator, more time, different incubation, different growth prosses…they all did not work.

After twelve trials, my professor let out a huff and handed us a solution of yeast made straight off the counter from the grocery store. We repeated the experiment again, thinking that it could not possibly such an easy solution.

Bright Yellow.

This experiment is exactly what happens with our lives. We have this complicated plan with fancy titles and “proper” material, and we fail over and over. Everything around us is made more simple, but there is a voice in our heads that tells us to make the task as difficult as possible. If it isn’t hard, then we are not improving. At least that is what we tell ourselves.

The fact of the matter is that we should not be struggling to make something work.

"We all wish our best was better

Just hopin' that forever's really real

We'll miss a dime to grab a nickel

Overcomplicate the simple"

~Somebody to Love, Kacey Musgraves

We overcomplicate the simple parts of our lives. We diminish our value because of our weight, relationship status, pay check, anything that could be considered just a little bit less than perfect. And just like my experiment, we fail to see the beauty of the life God gave us.

It does not need to be complicated.

A good portion of what we want to have is already in front of us.

Another example is from my dance class. A girl was talking about how she felt like her ribs were too large for her to properly allow her bottom ribs to sink down and her back ribs to float up. For non-dancers, that means that she thought her ribs made it impossible for her to stand up straight in a powerful and meaningful way.

My instructor pulled out her phone and showed us a picture of our ribs from the side.

As you can see, the back of the ribs are much higher than the front of our ribs. Our ribs are already in the position that we need them to be in. They swoop down our front, guarding our heart and lungs with ease. Yet we were acting as if they were flopped the other way, not truly caging our bodies, but rather giving us a weak spot.

“Your body is already the way it is supposed to be. You are exactly who you are supposed to be,” she said.

I think we are always trying to change our lives to become the person that we think we are supposed to be. We exhaust ourselves by working out twice a day and avoiding food tat fuels our bodies. We study a subject we hate because we think it will land us a high paying job. We associate ourselves with people that have the most “liked” instagram photos because we think that will make us feel more important.

These things never work.

We are not meant to be the way that we want to world to see us

Because our lives are set up to be what they are supposed to be from the moment God created us.

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,

before you were born I dedicated you,

a prophet to the nations I appointed you ~Jeremiah 1:5

It is just as they say in Veggie Tales, “God made you special, and He loves you very much.” Each person has a special place in this world, and we do not need to struggle to find it.

I say this like it has been a breeze for me to accept the life I live.

It wasn’t.

It still isn’t.

I do not have all of the answers for the, “Who am I?” question, but I have accepted that I will always be learning that lesson. I often struggle with why people often moved out of my life, but I have started to see the plan God made for me.

My life is constantly moving and growing and changing, and I do not plan on that ever stopping. God did not grant me a consistent way of life. He gave me numerous passions that allowed me to move all over the place to learn and experience as much as possible. And as I moved about, I met more and more people. 

God gave me a life that is filled with the opportunity to touch many lives over the course of time for whatever brief period they need me for.

There are some consistencies though. These things were sometimes a point of frustration for me, as I believed they made me look weird. Yet God did not wish for me to dislike these things. Each identifying aspect of our lives is what makes us who we are.

I am a scientist, and it is ok that people talk about me like I am too smart all the time. I do not drink, and it is ok that people do not invite me to hang out with them because of it. I am Catholic, and it is ok that people question em on a daily basis. I am obsessed with my family, and it is ok that I send more texts to them than to anyone else. I am extroverted, and it is ok that I have to have people around me 24/7.

So if you think you are dumb, weird, fat, lonely, too quiet, too loud, whatever you think is just a little bit wrong with you, take a moment to appreciate that part of your life.

Look at the big picture.

See that the little thing is not the most important part of your life, but rather see it as a critical part of the beautiful life that you are blessed to have.

"Indeed, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are all the more necessary,

23

and those parts of the body that we consider less honorable we surround with greater honor" ~ 1 Corinthians 12:22-23

Do not overcomplicate the simple.

God made you special, and He loves you very much.

Dance is Science

I am Biochemistry/Molecular Biology major with a minor in Dance. Actually, scratch that, I am a Biochemistry/Molecular Biology major who had to remove her dance minor because there was not enough space for the dance department to offer more classes so I could work around my lab schedule.

People say that we need more scientists.

People say that dance does not give as much as lab work.

However, I can say firsthand that Dance made me a better scientist.

Dance is a science.

When most people think of science, they think of beakers and lab coats and nerds sitting in a creepy old lab. They think of facts and figures and complex words that they had to memorize when they were younger. Science to most people in modern society is an entity filled with smart thoughts and details. What they do not realize is that science is not several concrete pieces.

Science is a process.

The beakers and lab coats and nerds are the people working on experiments that last for months and years on end. The day to day life of a scientist is filled with small tweaks and improvements in their experimental design to make the best of what they have.

The facts and figures and complex words that most people have to memorize in high school are not blips of inspiration. Each sentence in a scientific text was worth years of tweaks in experimental design. What many people do not realize is that people spend their entire life trying to prove that, yes, the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Dance is just like science.

Dance is a process.

Each rehearsal is like an experiment. The dancer is given a set of instructions, and they are expected to utilize these instructions to create a beautiful performance. No piece is perfect after the first rehearsal. In fact most performances are based on weeks to months of rehearsals focused on creating the best product with what the choreographer has.

Scientists also try to create the best product that they can with what they have. For most them, that means that they must be the best student they can be. In my Biochemistry/Molecular Biology major, I spend my days trying to become the most informed and adept person in the classroom. I study for hours each day, and I try my hardest to understand the techniques I learn in lab.

But I fail.

And I fail often.

Many students that face failure give up. They believe that failing is a sign that they are not meant to do the work they have been given. However, if a person were to give up everything they failed at, they would never be able to achieve their full potential.

Until I became more immersed in my dance courses, I found myself giving up far too quickly. I accepted that my lab work could fail because I was just in a teaching lab. I shrugged my shoulders at a C on a lab report. Failure was a part of life, and I would figure out what to do with my life after I got out of college.

Dance showed me that falling down is the only way to learn how to get up again. Dancers fall down in rehearsal several times, and if they stay on the ground, they will only be trampled. When a dancer makes a mistake, they have to adjust their movements and they have to seek a new pathway. Dance calls for alternate processes and improved technique.

Even though I could not complete my minor, I had the wonderful experience of learning technique from several wonderful choreographers. Each rehearsal presented with new challenges, and because I was inexperienced in many of the techniques I was exposed to, I often failed to express the ideas that they wanted me to convey.

I failed.

I failed because I cared more about the end product than I did about the process. Even though I knew that the only way to get an answer was by completing a process, I only focused on the end, and I failed because of it. When I learned that the only way to be successful was to understand the "how" instead of the "what," I became a better dancer.

And by understanding what made me a better dancer, I became a better scientist.

Because I had started to focus on the "how," I started to ask questions in class that brought a more complete understanding to my studies. My lab work started to relate more to my lectures, and I felt more well-rounded.

While my creative soul was expanding in the theater, my mind was expanding in the classroom.

Dance taught me how to fall down, and it taught me how to grow.

Without dance, I would be just another robotic premed without inspiration. I would not have thought about the experiments and processes that lead to the simple facts drawn out in my textbooks. I would have memorized facts, took exams, and kept moving forward. My mind would have stayed in its box, simply accepting what was in front of me without seeking for a higher understanding.

Thanks to my dance training, I have learned more about myself and the world around me.

I wish people would see dance as a science like biology, chemistry, and physics. While it might not answer the questions that people ask about medicine or gravity, dance can answer the little questions that we ask inside our hearts that no one else would ever know. The only way we can answer those questions is to dance.

So thank you to the Department of Theater and Dance at Belmont University for saving this scientist.

I believe in something greater in myself, and I owe a lot of that to dance.

I hope that more people at Belmont will get to experience the beauty of dance some day.

Confessions of a Former Crush Addict

Seven code names.

Several strange sonnets.

Countless conversations centered over texts.

Hundreds of hours spent listening to sad songs and “relating”

All for nothing.

The first thing you are asked in middle school when you go to a sleepover is, “Who do you like?” To fit in, you find a cute boy in the yearbook, and suddenly you have a topic of conversation with people. For some reason we believe that it is necessary to have a crush in order to be whole.

For some of us, our crush becomes our identity.

It is embarrassing for me to admit just how invested I got in my crushes. My stories were perfectly crafted, and everyone who wanted to hear a good story heard about the cute boy I was talking to. Instead of talking about the things I did that day, I talked about the boy.

After all, that story was more important than my passions.

That story was more important than my success.

That story was what would get me in to the in-crowd.

And yet, I found myself included in absolutely nothing. This confused me. Why did people like to listen to my stories, send me texts, and ask me about this crush, but no one wanted to hang out with me on their own time? Why was it that I could feel so included by this story, but at the end of the day be completely alone? 

It was not that they did not want to hang out with me.

They did not know me.

I went through my old journals, and nearly every page was dedicated to my former crushes. Even when I was talking about something I loved, they always showed up. I knew that I was not being my true self, but I could not let go of the story.

Because I chose to make my heart completely dedicated to these crushes, I lost my chance to let people see the real me. The only side of me these people saw was my quirky “hopeless romantic” side. They never saw the scientist whose eyes sparkled when she spoke about the journal articles she read late at night. They never saw the dancer who strapped on her tap shoes during practice hours. They never saw the Catholic who could actually sit in silence in front of the Blessed Sacrament.

I believed that my crush defined who I was.

Being without a crush for the past year or so now has shown me that there is far more to life than the boy. My story is not defined by any character in it but me. I am the one who controls the chapters, and I am the one that can make her dreams come true. By choosing to let my story illustrate my true self, I have started to find myself in the rubble again.

I am beautiful.

I am fun.

I am intelligent.

Most importantly, I am accepted by people for who I am, not who I like. My friendships are not based on the silly stories that I tell, but rather the memories I share with my new friends. Sure, there are times when we tell stories, and there are times when I talk about my past, but my relationships are based on the people in the room, not the people that we are attracted to.

Emotional Chastity is not an easy virtue to achieve. 

I would be lying if I said it has been easy for me to stay the course. However, I am grateful that God has granted me peace in this transition period.

I do not have anything wrong with these former crushes anymore. In fact, I am grateful that God brought them in to my life, because I learned that I have far more love in my heart than I ever knew before. So…thank you to the boys who let me love them, even if it was never meant to be.

But most importantly, I am thankful that God gave me family and friends who loved me.

Love only multiplies.

It was the love of my family that reminded me of who I always was.

It was the love of my friends that reminded me of who I have become.

These beautiful relationships with my family and friends have made it possible for my love that was so small and directed to multiply to a spacious and beautiful place. It is your acceptance that has made it possible for me to learn to love again.

Keep Moving Forward

On January 4th, 2015, my favorite Disney Movie, The Fox and the Hound was removed from Netflix.  While most people would simply be disappointed, my heart literally broke at the news.

It was not because I was upset that I could not easily access the film anymore.

It was because I could not dwell in the past anymore.

The Fox and the Hound is a charming film about how two unlikely friends come together, discover the reality of their world, and ultimately move on to living their own lives. For me, this film represents the many friends that have come and gone in my life. I projected myself in to a fictional world that could never leave me. Whenever I felt myself missing these people, I would rush to my room, grab any form of junk food I could (preferably cheesecake), and watch The Fox and the Hound alone in the dark.

Without the movie, I could not hide anymore.

I thought that I would have to face the loneliness and empty feelings head on. Because I could not pretend to be engrossed in the little Disney film, I knew that I would have to acknowledge everything I imagined instead. No longer could I hide from my past. No longer could I be the girl with her cheesecake and her feelings.

I had to be the basket-case with no friends.

At least that's what I thought.

And I know that I am not alone in this fear.


The Root of Our Problems Comes from Dwelling

I think that many people share a similar sentiment. We humans like to dwell in the past, to look backwards, as if sitting in that past scenario will change something. It is easier to be where we know everything.

Even if it hurts, we would rather accept the reality of then as opposed to reality of the now. After all, no one expects anything more of us, and very little effort goes in to sitting in our past. I know that it was easy to slip back in to my pity party with my Netflix and my cheesecake.

The most deleterious result of our laziness is an inability to forgive ourselves. We believe that there is something wrong with us, so fundamentally wrong that maybe just maybe the problem we are facing will never end. And so we do what we are wired to do...

“If you give your body a choice, it will always take the easy way out. Your body lies. It tells you it cannot when it can.”  ~Matthew Kelly

We go back to dwelling on the past. For me, it wasn't just watching The Fox and the Hound. It was telling the same stories over and over. It was apologizing for things that I had already been forgiven for. It was for constantly trying to make up for my failures that may have happened years ago. Nothing seemed to be enough for me.

Whatever it is that we do to dwell in our own failings...it is not helping us.

It is only forcing us to tell the same story.

Over and over and over again.


You Lose Yourself in the Dwelling Place.

Just because we were hurt by someone or hurt someone does not mean that there is any reason to dwell on that past reality. The fact of the matter is, the longer we sit in the past, the longer we have to deal with the past. We can't change it.

Sitting in the past can change us.

It can twist us and turn us and make us feel incompetent. It can make us feel like we are the worst person for the job and the most awful friend someone ever had. The past, and everything that comes with it, can only hold us back.

There is no point in dreaming when we believe that we are unable to change. In fact, our dreams are stuck in the distance, where we once held them, all because we are unable to move towards them. And in the midst of our dwelling, we become ordinary people with extraordinary potential....a potential that may never be met.

"Someone, at some point, came up with this very bad idea that an ordinary individual couldn't make a difference in the world. I think that's just a horrible thing." --John Skoll

But that's just it!

You can impact the world.

You can do something.

Put on a New Pair of Glasses.

If we want to be happier, then we need to stop dwelling in the past reality. We have to turn off the sad movies, pick ourselves up, and look around at the beautiful world that God put in front of us. If we sit in the dark, we will become dark. 

"What we're finding is it's not necessarily the reality that shapes us, but the lens through which your brain views the world that shapes your reality. And if we can change the lens, not only can we change your happiness, we can change every single educational and business outcome at the same time."  ~Shawn Achor

Shawn Achor's quote directly applied to what happened to me last night. I was driving my car when two songs that reminded me of some...not so happy... memories came on back to back. However, because I knew that I was driving back to school for my final semester, my mind had taken on a new mentality.

This was the home stretch. 

Last semester. 

Best semester.

I have no clue what is going to happen this semester. All I knew was that the girl that left campus at the end of December was ready to take on graduate school, and that I had found myself in the friends I had forgotten along the way. I knew that there was so much in store for the beautiful woman God created, and I knew that there was no way that I could let that go to waste.

I had to stop telling the same stories.

Tell A New Story

For the first time in a long while, I realized that you can't keep telling the same old story over and over again. You can't keep recycling that same old tale that seems to interest everyone. Just because it worked before does not mean that it is going to work later. People will lose interest, and what's worse, you have recycle all of the old emotions that you would rather get rid of.

I kept on repeating myself to an empty audience because I thought it made me interesting.

I watched the same movie over and over again because I thought it would make things better.

But when I decided to choose hope over nostalgia and fear, I found myself getting excited for everything that would come next. I found myself smiling brighter and looking at the world more clearly.

I started writing the next book in the series of my life.

As a point of reference: Mary Poppins is yet again my favorite Disney movie.

Thank you Dear Readers for letting me share this story with you.