Confessions of a Former Crush Addict

Seven code names.

Several strange sonnets.

Countless conversations centered over texts.

Hundreds of hours spent listening to sad songs and “relating”

All for nothing.

The first thing you are asked in middle school when you go to a sleepover is, “Who do you like?” To fit in, you find a cute boy in the yearbook, and suddenly you have a topic of conversation with people. For some reason we believe that it is necessary to have a crush in order to be whole.

For some of us, our crush becomes our identity.

It is embarrassing for me to admit just how invested I got in my crushes. My stories were perfectly crafted, and everyone who wanted to hear a good story heard about the cute boy I was talking to. Instead of talking about the things I did that day, I talked about the boy.

After all, that story was more important than my passions.

That story was more important than my success.

That story was what would get me in to the in-crowd.

And yet, I found myself included in absolutely nothing. This confused me. Why did people like to listen to my stories, send me texts, and ask me about this crush, but no one wanted to hang out with me on their own time? Why was it that I could feel so included by this story, but at the end of the day be completely alone? 

It was not that they did not want to hang out with me.

They did not know me.

I went through my old journals, and nearly every page was dedicated to my former crushes. Even when I was talking about something I loved, they always showed up. I knew that I was not being my true self, but I could not let go of the story.

Because I chose to make my heart completely dedicated to these crushes, I lost my chance to let people see the real me. The only side of me these people saw was my quirky “hopeless romantic” side. They never saw the scientist whose eyes sparkled when she spoke about the journal articles she read late at night. They never saw the dancer who strapped on her tap shoes during practice hours. They never saw the Catholic who could actually sit in silence in front of the Blessed Sacrament.

I believed that my crush defined who I was.

Being without a crush for the past year or so now has shown me that there is far more to life than the boy. My story is not defined by any character in it but me. I am the one who controls the chapters, and I am the one that can make her dreams come true. By choosing to let my story illustrate my true self, I have started to find myself in the rubble again.

I am beautiful.

I am fun.

I am intelligent.

Most importantly, I am accepted by people for who I am, not who I like. My friendships are not based on the silly stories that I tell, but rather the memories I share with my new friends. Sure, there are times when we tell stories, and there are times when I talk about my past, but my relationships are based on the people in the room, not the people that we are attracted to.

Emotional Chastity is not an easy virtue to achieve. 

I would be lying if I said it has been easy for me to stay the course. However, I am grateful that God has granted me peace in this transition period.

I do not have anything wrong with these former crushes anymore. In fact, I am grateful that God brought them in to my life, because I learned that I have far more love in my heart than I ever knew before. So…thank you to the boys who let me love them, even if it was never meant to be.

But most importantly, I am thankful that God gave me family and friends who loved me.

Love only multiplies.

It was the love of my family that reminded me of who I always was.

It was the love of my friends that reminded me of who I have become.

These beautiful relationships with my family and friends have made it possible for my love that was so small and directed to multiply to a spacious and beautiful place. It is your acceptance that has made it possible for me to learn to love again.