A Lesson in Being Lonely

At the beginning of the semester, I ended my friendship with my best friend. It was meant to happen. However, I did not expect the pain that came from losing such a close friendship. 

No one tells you just how lonely it is going to be when you stop talking to your best friend. If they support your decision, they tell you that you can do better, and they will tell you that they are there for you. Of course, since it is not a break up by traditional means, most people tend to move on much faster than you do.

I spent most of this semester alone.

As an extrovert, I gain most of my energy from other people. I need to be around people, and I need to share my life with them. With a best friend, it is possible to simply sit in the same room without doing a whole lot. With a best friend, it is possible to tell them everything (even what you ate for breakfast). With a best friend, it is possible to visit them without much warning or planning. With a best friend, there is security.

I lost my security blanket.

And I was lonely.

And I was drained.

A couple weeks ago, I collapsed on the chapel floor. I sobbed for a half hour, asking God over and over why He thought it was a good idea to make the most extroverted person give up a friendship and not replace his constant companionship with something greater.

I could not hear Him, so I dragged myself across the floor to the altar. All I wanted was companionship, and I did not know what to do. As I continued to sob, I curled up around the altar, hugging the base as tightly as I could. That is, until my body finally relaxed and my loud sobs turned as weak my body had become.

And in that vulnerable state that God lead me to, He taught me a valuable lesson.

You are never alone.

It is hard to believe that you are not alone when you do not have a person. While the whole world seems to be able to share fun Buzzfeed links, have lunch, or laugh with someone, you are sitting off in the corner all by yourself. There is not an easy relationship that you can depend on anymore, and without that...you feel completely isolated from the world. 

No person?

No life.

That is simply not true. You do not need a person. You have your people. These are the people who love you and are there for you, but they do not monopolize your time. These are the people who share experiences with you, laugh with you, and grow with you, even if they are not there every day of the week.

Maybe they are people that have the same values as you 

They know what matters to you, and they support you in all you do. They understand when it is difficult to understand the tough stuff, and they listen to your late night vents about the "injustice" of it all. God taught me that these people, while not really your family, defend you like you are part of their family. People who share your values and let you love them remind us that we will always matter to someone and our thoughts are not worthless.

Maybe they are people that share your faith. 

They pray for you at night, and they are always willing to have a little Jesus chat at any point of the day. If anything, God taught me that sometimes we cannot hear Him directly, but it is through these people that we can hear His love. Their prayers reassure us that we will never truly be on our own in the good fight.

Maybe they are people that have been there all along.

These people are the ones that have watched you grow for a long time, and they have been at your side the entire time. Your communication level varies. However, you can always count on them. God showed me that these people are important because they see the whole picture. They see the dark corners, and they see the bright colors, and they love every bit of it. Silence does not mean that there is a lack of solidarity.

Maybe they are people you have yet to meet.

God showed me this year that sometimes you have to just yourself back out there. He forced me to find new people to talk to, and He gave me people that were willing to let me come in. They had to pry me away from my work sometimes, but they brought love in to my life in ways I had not yet experienced. 

Maybe they are the ones that have really been there all along.

These people share your genes, and they have seen you at every stage of your life. From the moment you walked to the moment you came home for the most recent vacation, they have been there for you. God really showed me this semester that even thought it is nice to have lots of friends, that a phone call home is just as effective as a heart to heart with someone new. I could not have made it through without calling my parents, cuddling my little sisters, or hanging out with my brothers. I never had to be afraid of rejection from them. Family is family, and they are never going to go away.

Your people will always be there. 

They may be pseudo families, church companions, old friends, new friends, or your actual biological family, but they are always there. It is not necessary for you to find them because they are already there. 

You have people.

They love you.

The only thing that you may be missing are your glasses. I know that I did not recognize my people until God brought me down to that level. Yet in my vulnerability, He reminded me of the people that love me for who I am, who I was, and who I will be.

By being lonely, I learned who loved me.

I think that's better than any lecture I attended.

How God Worked

My second most liked status on Facebook was on December 1st, 2015. The status was this:

Wow. I am just amazed by the support of my professors here at Belmont University. Not only did they support me when I discovered that I was rejected from FOCUS, but they also sat down and wrote my letters of recommendation for grad school which were due today as soon as I told them.

God could not have brought me to a more supportive and loving place

While many saw this status, it hardly depicts the story that it tells. God worked an amazing wonder in my life through this awful week, and I would like to share the story.

My top five graduate schools had application deadlines on December 1st. As I was still waiting for FOCUS to contact me, I had hardly touched the applications. I had not notified my advisors, and I had kept the idea in the back of my mind. Naturally, I thought that my laziness was simply the Holy Spirit telling me to be patient. After all, good things come to those who wait correct?

While I lazy, my parents were busy trying to make my dreams come true. They texted me to come home the night before applications were due. We were going to get them done, whether I was going to be accepted in to FOCUS or not. I came home, and immediately my father and I started working on the applications. My mom started with us as soon as she had brought my little sister home from dance. 

By the end of the night, all three of our laptops were furiously going, hastily trying to make the applications look as good as possible as quickly as possible. They read every line, paid for every fee, and gave me every ounce of confidence I needed.

I drove home feeling more confident about my future.

The next day, I received a phone call from FOCUS. Because I was in class, I had to call back. We played phone tag for a bit, and finally I got connected with my regional director. My hands shook as I anxiously waited for him to tell me that I had gotten the job.

I did not get the job.

He explained why, and I knew exactly which parts of the interview reflected those low points. I had been honest, and yet that was my downfall. I remembered feeling the need to tell certain stories to the interviewers, but my Earthly mind was angry at God for wanting me to talk about the low points of my life in such a manner. 

But God wanted me to speak as I did.

Because it set me up to experience what happened next.

Ten minutes after my phone call, I received an email from most of my potential graduate schools. Each one told me that if my recommendation letters were not in by that day, that I would not be invited for an interview.

No way could my professors do that in a day.

Suddenly, my entire future started to crumble in front of me. All of my dream schools were slipping from my fingertips. I was not asked to serve God on college campuses. Even though I had tried my best, it seemed as though God was taking everything away from me again.

After crying to my mother, I made the decision to suck it up and get things done. It was what I had been raised to do, and I was not going to give up just because of some seemingly large roadblocks. If God wanted me in graduate school, then He would get me there. All I had to do was my end of the deal.

I went to my two Belmont professors, and I told them what was happening. After my shpeel, which was riddled with tears and apologies, my professors each agreed to get my applications in. Now all that was left was talking to my REU advisor.

One of my recommenders had me sit in the room as she opened up every application. She wanted me to make sure that she had them all in, and she wanted to help me. My other advisor sent me an encouraging email after she finished all of my applications. As I sat in their offices, I texted my parents, "I want to be like them when I grow up."

He informed me that he had to turn in his grant proposal as well, but he would try his best to get to my recommendations.

I did not expect him to get them in. I prepared myself to contact every department to talk to them and make up for my mistake. I opened up back up applications. I prayed for hours, desperate to hear God's reassuring voice in my heart.

At 7pm, I was notified that every single application had been completed.

God made it possible for me to strive for my dream within 6.5 hours.

If this had been a normal experience, I do not think I would have had the opportunity to see just how blessed I was, nor would I have been inspired in the same way. By seeing my professors work to give me a future, I was inspired to do the same for my future students. By the support and love from my residents, I was inspired to continue loving undergraduates and reminded myself to keep that love in mind when I started teaching. By the work of my parents, I was inspired yet again to be the best parent I could be.

God showed me my future in one of the most stressful afternoons of my life.

It was as if He told me, "Felicity, I understand you had a vision for your future, but it was not the best plan for you. Look at the impact these people have had in your life. Look at the response in your heart. Look at how happy you are with the idea of going to graduate school. Here is your chance: take it."

And so I did.

While my plans may never be exactly what God wants, I know that He will always bring me where I need to go, and to the people I need to be around. He loves me for me, and He knows the inner workings of my heart. Because of God's love for me, I have found my vocation. Because of God's love for me, I have been saved. Because of God's love for me, anything is possible.

So that's my story. 

A Letter to My Residents

Dear Resident

If you opened this letter, then it means that you were either curious enough about what your RA has to tell you, or you were procrastinating just that much that you bothered to read something from that chick who thinks she can act like your mom, even though she is not even old enough to have a child. Regardless, I am grateful that you took time out of your busy schedule to read this.

I wanted to thank you for everything you have done for me that you probably would not know about. Being an RA is a hard job, but seeing you grow and having you in my life has made this job worth all the while.

When I am with you, I get to hear about all of your struggles. You can tell me when you are worried about life after graduation, and you can tell me that your are scared about changing your major again. I have the unique opportunity to be the person you can call when that boy breaks your heart again, or when your pet had to be put down and you need someone to give you a hug.

But I also get to watch you succeed.

I hear the cheers down the hall when you get the grade you needed on that exam you were so worried about. I see the smiles and laughs from the new love stories. I see your names on lists of positions on campus, the new letters on your doors, and the happy pictures on Instagram. I hear the love stories. Even if I am not always the first person you tell, I always get to see these happy moments, and I am honored to know about it.

By letting me in, you let me become part of your story. Your story is crafted so specially, and by being there, I get an insider's look at a critical part of your story. When the mountains are high, or when the valleys are low, or when there is nothing going on but you just have to tell me something random, I am there in that chapter.

You let me be a part of something greater than myself.

Yet you know that there is so much more to this job than me hearing you out. You know that I have to plan programs and I have to make sure to interact with you. You know there are obligations that are beyond the 2AM phone calls that lead to unhealthy food decisions, and the best memories.

I stopped writing down our time together on my community reports though. The time I get to spend with you is the highlight of my day. I get to love on someone who is so special, and even if it started as an obligation, spending time with you was not work anymore. Instead of being RA and resident, we became friend and friend.

It was not hard for me to send you a message, because I knew that you would respond. It was not hard to remind you of policy, because I knew you would understand. It was not hard for me to invite you to things, or for me to come with you to an event.

I do not fear being rejected anymore. While RA's are often left alone at a program, I always knew that my residents loved me. They had lives, and I know that you were no different. I understand that you really did not care about my crappy games or the lame movie I decided to show. I wouldn't either. Yet you always come up and apologize to me, and then we hang out on our own terms later.

You don't need a program or a community builder or anything fancy to be my friend.

I do not know how to express how thankful I am for you, my resident, becoming my friend. Sure, you were supposed to get along with me, but it astounds me that such cool people would actually opt to hang out with me.

You accept me for me. We share dreams together, and we laugh about the stupidest things. Sure, it's a little weird that we planned out my outfits when I went to hang out with my guy friend. Sure, it's a little odd that I need someone to approve the layout of my lab report. Sure, I am not always the most "cool" person to hang out with.

Yet you do it anyway.

And when I am unable to handle my own life...you are there for me too. You took the time to hear my story. Even if it was a little ridiculous, you still let me talk about that guy who definitely didn't like me or that professor that probably doesn't hate me that much. You understand why things are hard for me, and you let me be me in the face of it.

Thank you for letting me be vulnerable. Thank you for reminding me that vulnerability is what creates strong leaders. So thank you for holding me when I cried, and thank you for telling me that it is ok to not be ok. Thank you for supporting me against all odds.

Because of you, I never have to feel alone. As your RA, I built a community, and I know that it isn't perfect all the time, but I also know that in this community that I will be loved. What I built for you became exactly what I needed too.

So thank you for letting me hear your story, be a part of your story, and letting me share my story with you. Thank you for being the ones to let me in, and being the ones to let me come in. Thank you for understanding when I have to write you up, and thank you for understanding why I am crying about it ten minutes later.

Thank you for becoming the friend I needed.

Love always,
Your RA