To start out today's post, I would like to draw your attention to a part of the first reading from Mass yesterday. It is from Tobit 2 and it reads:
"I called to my wife and said: “Where did this goat come from?
Perhaps it was stolen! Give it back to its owners;
we have no right to eat stolen food!”
She said to me, “It was given to me as a bonus over and above my wages.”
Yet I would not believe her,
and told her to give it back to its owners.
I became very angry with her over this.
So she retorted: “Where are your charitable deeds now?
Where are your virtuous acts?
See! Your true character is finally showing itself!”
In this passage, Tobit is laying on his bed because he has gone blind from a bird pooping in his eyes when he didn't cover his face at night. His wife had worked hard to make money and support their family, and her masters gave her a goat in addition to her salary. However, Tobit is cruel to his wife, and she points out that his true character is not charitable and understanding, but rather Tobit is harsh.
It is easy to lose our sense of kindness and peace when we are blind to the path that the Lord has given us. When life gets difficult, we tend to blame other people for what is going wrong, or for what we do not expect to happen. That is how my first week went at ND.
My Experience:
In the past week, I have left my family with no easy way to get back for the first time. And to make matters even more uncomfortable, I did not know anyone on campus. I had to have a roommate in a tiny room that even a Pembro might scoff at.
In the past week, I have been reminded of just how much I don't know. My first few days consisted of me sitting in the back corner of our basement lab with no instruction other than: learn. When I wasn't reading every paper known to man about lysosomes, Neimann Pick Type C disease, or LAMP-1, I was in my PI's office. Those meetings were the most unnerving experience. For at least an hour at a time, I was given lectures filled with questions on the smallest details of biochemistry and molecular biology, and I was expected to know all of it. I knew only certain concepts, and half the time I used different terminology. Defeated, I was sent back to the corner of the lab to work. I never felt more incapable.
I was exhausted, homesick, and I started to question my career path. On Friday night, I stayed in and cried myself to sleep. Everything I had dreamed my summer would be seemed to be completely wrong. I asked for God to grant me some peace. Two moments made that possible.
The Grotto
Time with Jesus always makes me feel better during tough times.Even though ND is a Catholic school, they locked up all of their chapels this summer. Desperate, I started to look at every building I could. All of them were locked. Exhausted, I walked around the Bascillica one more time. Behind the Basillica I found one of the most beautiful parts of Notre Dame: The Grotto.
I instantly fell on my knees at the kneelers and sobbed for a long while. When I finally had the strength to look up again, I looked over to the side to see a small candle sitting all alone. Even though it was alone, it was still burning brightly, along with all of the other candles within the Grotto. The sight brought great comfort to my heart. All of God's prayers were heard, regardless of who said them and where they were when they said them. Everyone belongs. I wiped the tears from my face and lit my own candle and set it next to the candle that was once alone.
Feast of the Holy Trinity
On Saturday, I hung out with the other members of the REU program and was able to smile again. However, I still felt some residual fear in my heart at the thought of returning to my basement desk. The next day was the Feast of the Holy Trinity, and the priest spoke about the meaning of the Trinity for each of us.
We are all special because we have the same spirit in us that Jesus Christ did.
We are not perfect like Christ, but we can act in His love and for Him. Everything we do is a testament to God and He loves us enough to let us be a part of that. This also means that we must enter a passion, just as Christ did. We have to die to ourselves and choose to take on our cross with dignity and love. And we can do it because we have the same Spirit within us.
I felt empowered.
I could come back to lab. I could fit in here. I could be the Felicity I was made to be.
Improvement
The beginning of this week has been significantly better. I wake up each morning to work out as usual, and as I do so, I choose to be happy and to take on whatever challenge the Lord hands me. The days have gone by faster and the work has felt much better. In fact, I have even be able to start preparing to perform some experiments and have been taught new lab techniques.
This joy brings me to today's first reading, which is also from Tobit. Sarah is a woman who was being abused by her peers because they did not understand what was going on. She was near killing herself when she remembered how that action would bring pain to her father. So she entered in to prayer saying:
Blessed are you, O Lord, merciful God,
and blessed is your holy and honorable name.
Blessed are you in all your works for ever!
No, I was not near killing myself by any means, but I was choosing to let the beautiful smile of mine die away because of hardship. Instead of sharing the joyful times with my family, I only told them the bad stuff. It must have hurt my parents' feelings a lot. So instead of taking in the bad, I chose to take in the good of each day and thank God for it.
But I would not say that I am all perfect. I have sinned by not recognizing the amazing opportunity to learn and grow here at Notre Dame like I should have. I still get angry about the amount of down time I have had in the lab. So, in regards to this, I would like to share part of the prayer that Tobit said before the Lord cured his eye sight:
You are righteous, O Lord,
and all your deeds are just;
All your ways are mercy and truth;
you are the judge of the world.
And now, O Lord, may you be mindful of me,
and look with favor upon me.
Punish me not for my sins
I will talk more about my science stuff later. I just felt like this was a little more important to share.
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