Last Friday I went to an anthropology lecture on evolution. The speaker made several jokes about biologists, but he brought up several valuable points. Most of them circulated around the theme of biocultural evolution, which basically means that culture is what drives the biological shift and ultimately causes evolution to occur. While I would love to go in to detail about each of his points, but one had a significant impact on me.
He said that we are not apes, nor are we neanderthals, because our ability to speak created something that changed the entirety of our livelihoods.
Because humans had the ability to speak, or rather speak more eloquently, they were able to identify specific objects with a sound. More importantly, sounds were associated with people as well. Instead of just being the person who caught the biggest rabbit the other day and nothing more, the hunter was acknowledged with a specific set of sounds, and those sounds in turn became related to his entire life. These sounds were names.
With the development of names, the development of interpersonal relationships developed. This lead to mates to stay together for life and for the children to become more dependent on their parents. Families, in the forms of clans, stayed together. A family could be identified very clearly.
The speaker suggested that the development of a strong family is what allowed humans to evolve and to survive long past the neanderthals.
As the institution of the family progressed, morals came along as well. Because sex was the main force in nature at the time, sexual morality was one of the first major differences. Having relations with a sibling would not have been a major issue, nor would it have been acknowledged. But as the family remained present, it was clear that a sexual relationship between siblings could not occur.
Additionally, non-blood relationships formed. These relationships are known as "in-laws." Certainly primitive humans did not go to the court house to choose their mates, but the parents of their potential spouse played a more significant role. Instead of the individual seeking out simple animalistic strengths to spread their genes, the family held an interest that is unseen in the animal world. They wanted the best for their kin.
The purpose of a family is the care for one another that goes beyond biology.
Because God introduced family to the world, we became human. Caring for one another and learning the proper way of life is the institutional purpose of the family, but it goes so far beyond that. When our families teach us how to live, and when they take care of us, we experience something that no animal ever could: love.
Families love another. That is what makes us human.
Monday, June 29, 2015
Monday, June 22, 2015
Dear Science
Dear Science,
You have been in my life ever since I was born. From infancy, I have been in labs with my parents, and while I do not remember those days, certainly you have. Even though both of my parents moved on past your walls- my father to pursue medicine and my mother to raise our family- I could not escape you forever (Perhaps it is my last name Newton).
I have always had an inquisitive mind. I found myself asking "why?" more and more each day, and I never had to go far to find the answers. My parents first taught me about you, and then my school started to give me a dose of you for an hour every day. It was good to ask questions, and it was even better to try harder.
When I got older, you became more difficult to understand. At times, I thought that you were not meant to be in my life. Clearly you got along better with some of my friends....
However, when I got to college, you were what made me unique. Everyone at my school studies music, yet I found myself working on General Chemistry in the lobby of my building. Instead of worrying about how you interacted with everyone else, I chose to enjoy the relationship that we had. I hated memorization and plants, but I loved learning about the interactions that happen every nanosecond. There was something special for me.
When I started Organic Chemistry, I thought our relationship would come to an end. They all said that if I was great at Gen Chem, that I would fail Orgo. That was not the case. Organic chemistry became the only thing that made sense to me. When boys broke my heart, residents were cruel, and microbiology made my life miserable, I would spend hours in the Patton Basement, drawing out challenging mechanisms that I would never have to use in class. You gave me a safe place where I could work hard and be successful, even when I felt hurt and useless everywhere else.
You continued to heal my heart as I grew further. Biochemistry and Molecular Biology were just like Gen Chem in that I felt completely unique in my studies. I loved learning the material, and I did not care that everyone else was so stressed out. In fact, I found nothing but joy in those text books, journal articles, and lab reports. Exams were not something to fear, but rather an opportunity to share just how much I could learn. As nerdy as it was, I could not be afraid when I was with you in my junior year.
Entering this summer of doing nothing but spending time with you was terrifying. I held you close to my heart, and I was scared of losing you. See, I was dealing with some social stuff, and I was scared that if I lost my safe place I would crumble and fall apart.
We did not get along all too well in the first week. I was too scared to try to make it work. But I got over it, and I started to gain confidence in you again.
After spending eight to nine hours every day in the basement for four weeks, I have started to feel a lot better about myself. The confidence that I lost in the past year came back with a lot to spare. The joy I felt reading articles came back. The essence of who I am as a person filled my entire being again. Because I had you, and because I was able to work alongside you, I found myself again.
In all of the questions and failures and trials and tribulations of research, I found myself again. I found the curious girl that asked her parents questions every chance she had. I found the happy girl who wanted to do everything and more. I found the vocation God intended for me. I found everything because of you.
Thank you Science for working God's will in to my life and healing my heart.
Felicity
You have been in my life ever since I was born. From infancy, I have been in labs with my parents, and while I do not remember those days, certainly you have. Even though both of my parents moved on past your walls- my father to pursue medicine and my mother to raise our family- I could not escape you forever (Perhaps it is my last name Newton).
I have always had an inquisitive mind. I found myself asking "why?" more and more each day, and I never had to go far to find the answers. My parents first taught me about you, and then my school started to give me a dose of you for an hour every day. It was good to ask questions, and it was even better to try harder.
When I got older, you became more difficult to understand. At times, I thought that you were not meant to be in my life. Clearly you got along better with some of my friends....
However, when I got to college, you were what made me unique. Everyone at my school studies music, yet I found myself working on General Chemistry in the lobby of my building. Instead of worrying about how you interacted with everyone else, I chose to enjoy the relationship that we had. I hated memorization and plants, but I loved learning about the interactions that happen every nanosecond. There was something special for me.
When I started Organic Chemistry, I thought our relationship would come to an end. They all said that if I was great at Gen Chem, that I would fail Orgo. That was not the case. Organic chemistry became the only thing that made sense to me. When boys broke my heart, residents were cruel, and microbiology made my life miserable, I would spend hours in the Patton Basement, drawing out challenging mechanisms that I would never have to use in class. You gave me a safe place where I could work hard and be successful, even when I felt hurt and useless everywhere else.
You continued to heal my heart as I grew further. Biochemistry and Molecular Biology were just like Gen Chem in that I felt completely unique in my studies. I loved learning the material, and I did not care that everyone else was so stressed out. In fact, I found nothing but joy in those text books, journal articles, and lab reports. Exams were not something to fear, but rather an opportunity to share just how much I could learn. As nerdy as it was, I could not be afraid when I was with you in my junior year.
Entering this summer of doing nothing but spending time with you was terrifying. I held you close to my heart, and I was scared of losing you. See, I was dealing with some social stuff, and I was scared that if I lost my safe place I would crumble and fall apart.
We did not get along all too well in the first week. I was too scared to try to make it work. But I got over it, and I started to gain confidence in you again.
After spending eight to nine hours every day in the basement for four weeks, I have started to feel a lot better about myself. The confidence that I lost in the past year came back with a lot to spare. The joy I felt reading articles came back. The essence of who I am as a person filled my entire being again. Because I had you, and because I was able to work alongside you, I found myself again.
In all of the questions and failures and trials and tribulations of research, I found myself again. I found the curious girl that asked her parents questions every chance she had. I found the happy girl who wanted to do everything and more. I found the vocation God intended for me. I found everything because of you.
Thank you Science for working God's will in to my life and healing my heart.
Felicity
Friday, June 19, 2015
21 Things I Have Learned at ND
1. Science requires patience
You might have to spend four weeks reading random journal articles and watching your cells grow before you can start doing anything of value. You might have contamination. Regardless of what it is that makes you have to wait, it's worth it.
2. The things you think don't matter end up being what you should care about.
3. NEVER go for a run without checking the weather first
ESPECIALLY in the Midwest. On day one, I was caught in a random hour long rain shower on a campus that I could not navigate. Thank goodness I did not have to go in to the lab that day!
4. Biologists oppose "proper lab attire."
5. Hiding in the back corner of your lab does not keep you away from your PI.
I am still not entirely sure why he scared me so much considering I have had professors openly say that I am incapable in class, but I was terrified. So much in fact that I sat in the same position in the back corner for nearly a week.
My PI came to talk to me instead of waiting.
6. Asking for help is the best thing you can do.
I had a lot of work to do for my REU meetings, and I did not want to sit around anymore, so I just grabbed the nearest person and they helped me move along. I also found that by asking simple questions but still showing my capabilities I was able to work more efficiently and enjoy myself even more.
7. Laughter is the fastest form of bonding
On the first evening, my REU group had dinner together. We laughed for over an hour with very few breaks. To this day, I find myself laughing constantly when I am around them.
My lab has a few funny people as well. Interestingly enough, no one really started to talk to one another until we started making a few jokes here and there. Sometimes it is as the expense of another lab member, but it is all in good fun.
8. So is food
9. Hawaii may have the coolest culture
One of the girls who I have grown close to in the program is from Hawaii. She shares her snacks with us and tells us about her cultural values and other It is almost like they are southern. They are family oriented and kind to everyone. In many ways, I think Hawaii is more like what the south actually wants to be.
10. A long walk can make anything feel better
You can go on a walk around the lake by yourself, or you can walk to get food with someone else, but it always helps. Being an extrovert, I need to be around people in order to function. One day I felt like crap, but as soon as I took a walk with a few of the girls, I felt significantly better. Fresh air is so important.
11. Notre Dame does not have the Blessed Sacrament available whenever you need it, despite being a Catholic school.
12. Sometimes you just need to waste a little time
There is another undergraduate in the lab who sits in the back room with me. There was one day where he didn't have any work to do, and I was procrastinating on my proposal, so we ended up organizing the room. I found files from 1996 and my PI's Gen Chem book. It was the first time I didn't do anything that related to my research in my lab, and I started to feel like I belonged more once I did that. Odd.... I know.
13. Scientists actually get in to fights at conferences
I went to a meeting for research on the disease that my project relates to, and it was surprising how bad it got...
14. Never try to explain a mechanism to your biologist PI.
Because apparently...
"Chemists make stuff and biologists figure out how it works"
Or...
"Biochemists think they are chemists, but they really are biologists who can't make up their mind."
15. Belmont is still the most beautiful campus I have ever stayed on, but ND is gorgeous
16. People don't pat you on the back. They ask, "what next?"
It surprised me how when I talked about my positive results that no one said, "Good work." In fact, they all asked me what I was going to do with that information and how that would contribute to the project. This is the same with most things here at ND. You are expected to be successful and to contribute to something greater with those successes. I guess, "Contributing to the world's work in the community where I am placed" is very applicable in the Irish community.
17. Knowing who Ben Rector is makes you a hipster
18. Wearing anything related to Greek Life is completely unexpected and people will give you a double take
I wore my letters on my first monday in the lab, and my mentor just stared at the sparkly polka dots all day without mentioning it at all. Apparently, even though all of the guys act like they are in a frat, Greek life is highly misunderstood here. That's ok with me though. It just means that I can show them something greater by my life!
19. Yik Yak can be about things outside of sex and parties...and is hilarious.
20. Always be who you want to be because who you are might be exactly what someone needs
The post Doc in my lab told me today that she liked me because I was "not like anyone else." She liked that I was willing to talk to her instead of sit in silence all day and avoid conversation. I had been feeling lonely as well, and now I have started to form friendships in my lab, simply because I grew up and chose to be my happy-go-lucky self. It's amazing what happens when you are open and happy and free.
21. Success does not come easy, but it is worth it.
You might have to spend four weeks reading random journal articles and watching your cells grow before you can start doing anything of value. You might have contamination. Regardless of what it is that makes you have to wait, it's worth it.
2. The things you think don't matter end up being what you should care about.
This organelle is a great example....
3. NEVER go for a run without checking the weather first
ESPECIALLY in the Midwest. On day one, I was caught in a random hour long rain shower on a campus that I could not navigate. Thank goodness I did not have to go in to the lab that day!
4. Biologists oppose "proper lab attire."
Imagine which one I am...minus the flip flops. I have some sanity still.
5. Hiding in the back corner of your lab does not keep you away from your PI.
I am still not entirely sure why he scared me so much considering I have had professors openly say that I am incapable in class, but I was terrified. So much in fact that I sat in the same position in the back corner for nearly a week.
My PI came to talk to me instead of waiting.
6. Asking for help is the best thing you can do.
I had a lot of work to do for my REU meetings, and I did not want to sit around anymore, so I just grabbed the nearest person and they helped me move along. I also found that by asking simple questions but still showing my capabilities I was able to work more efficiently and enjoy myself even more.
7. Laughter is the fastest form of bonding
On the first evening, my REU group had dinner together. We laughed for over an hour with very few breaks. To this day, I find myself laughing constantly when I am around them.
My lab has a few funny people as well. Interestingly enough, no one really started to talk to one another until we started making a few jokes here and there. Sometimes it is as the expense of another lab member, but it is all in good fun.
8. So is food
It was so worth ditching the movies to have this with my new friend
One of the girls who I have grown close to in the program is from Hawaii. She shares her snacks with us and tells us about her cultural values and other It is almost like they are southern. They are family oriented and kind to everyone. In many ways, I think Hawaii is more like what the south actually wants to be.
10. A long walk can make anything feel better
You can go on a walk around the lake by yourself, or you can walk to get food with someone else, but it always helps. Being an extrovert, I need to be around people in order to function. One day I felt like crap, but as soon as I took a walk with a few of the girls, I felt significantly better. Fresh air is so important.
11. Notre Dame does not have the Blessed Sacrament available whenever you need it, despite being a Catholic school.
And there is always space at Mass it seems...
There is another undergraduate in the lab who sits in the back room with me. There was one day where he didn't have any work to do, and I was procrastinating on my proposal, so we ended up organizing the room. I found files from 1996 and my PI's Gen Chem book. It was the first time I didn't do anything that related to my research in my lab, and I started to feel like I belonged more once I did that. Odd.... I know.
13. Scientists actually get in to fights at conferences
I went to a meeting for research on the disease that my project relates to, and it was surprising how bad it got...
14. Never try to explain a mechanism to your biologist PI.
Because apparently...
"Chemists make stuff and biologists figure out how it works"
Or...
"Biochemists think they are chemists, but they really are biologists who can't make up their mind."
15. Belmont is still the most beautiful campus I have ever stayed on, but ND is gorgeous
But the winters suck apparently...
It surprised me how when I talked about my positive results that no one said, "Good work." In fact, they all asked me what I was going to do with that information and how that would contribute to the project. This is the same with most things here at ND. You are expected to be successful and to contribute to something greater with those successes. I guess, "Contributing to the world's work in the community where I am placed" is very applicable in the Irish community.
17. Knowing who Ben Rector is makes you a hipster
Seriously this guy is amazing...
18. Wearing anything related to Greek Life is completely unexpected and people will give you a double take
I wore my letters on my first monday in the lab, and my mentor just stared at the sparkly polka dots all day without mentioning it at all. Apparently, even though all of the guys act like they are in a frat, Greek life is highly misunderstood here. That's ok with me though. It just means that I can show them something greater by my life!
19. Yik Yak can be about things outside of sex and parties...and is hilarious.
The post Doc in my lab told me today that she liked me because I was "not like anyone else." She liked that I was willing to talk to her instead of sit in silence all day and avoid conversation. I had been feeling lonely as well, and now I have started to form friendships in my lab, simply because I grew up and chose to be my happy-go-lucky self. It's amazing what happens when you are open and happy and free.
21. Success does not come easy, but it is worth it.
Pictures of my protein soon...
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Seeds and Stories
One of the most difficult things to do is listen to someone tell a story after having already heard it multiple times. This could either be a love story, a break up story, or even listening to your professor explain a concept you already have mastered. We don't take the time to listen to the stories anymore, mainly because we think that we already know everything that we need to know about the topic.
I am especially guilty of this. Being slightly prideful when it comes to my memory, I tend to tune people out when they tell the same story over and over. Sometimes I interrupt them with a, "I know and this happened."
The light in the speaker's eyes dies out as soon as I say that.
It is somewhat ironic that I find myself interrupting my friends and family and professors when they are speaking. I tell the same stories over and over as if they were the most important thing on the planet. If someone hurt me, then I had to remind people over and over. If someone did something somewhat sweet to me, then I had to talk about it, even weeks after the fact. I want people to know what happens in my life.
So really I am not all that different from everyone else.
Why does it matter so much to finish a story?
When we tell someone about something that happened in our lives, we are not talking about the event so much as we are trying to recreate the feeling. We want people to know what makes us happy, and we want people to understand why we are hurt. It is not so much about the exact instance as it is about the way everything happened.
When we share stories, we share our hearts.
The stories we choose to tell are the memories that hold the highest concentration of emotion, whether that is good or bad.
It is often said that people tend to enter prayer only at heights of emotion. When life is beautiful, the phrase "hashtag blessed" fills our timelines and instagram posts. When life is difficult, we turn to prayer, often with a little bit of resentment or desperation.
So when something big happens, our hearts deeply feel. We learn something about God. We learn something about ourselves. We learn who God designed us to be.
When something worth telling other people about, happens, our hearts are in a similar place as when that moment. We remember everything that happened, and as a result, we feel it in the same way. As we tell our stories, people have the opportunity to look in to that moment and experience the same emotions.
Because we don't want people to have to struggle, we give them a chance to learn the lesson without having to feel the pain that got us there.
Everyone has a unique story
It is well known that everyone lives a different life. Even twins from the same household in the same classes have different experiences.
This is deliberately done by God.
In the Gospel of Mark, Jesus describes this action:
God plants seeds in our hearts. These seeds are the traits that are unique to us, and they draw humanity closer to Him. Everyone receives the seeds that will grow in to the Fruits of the Holy Spirit. As a result, from the moment of our conception, our souls are made to live in the way that God wants us to so that we may spend eternity with Him.
However, plants do not grow in the same way, even with the same seeds.
We are not meant to be exactly like anyone else.
What makes a plant grow differently? The environment that it is in. This is the same with us. We have our own stories that make us unique, and they show us how to become more and more of ourselves. Where we are planted is also a part of God's unique design of the world.
Now if a plant does not take in the nutrients that it is given, then it will wither away. Sometimes it does not grow as many fruits. Occasionally the coloration of the plant changes. It is not correct.
When we choose to ignore our experiences, we are hurt.
But when we let our experiences transform us, we shine.
And how do we have the opportunity to fully understand our experiences?
By telling stories.
Living Your Story
More importantly, once you have told your story, it is important to live it as well. If God teaches you a lesson, even if it is a small one like, "I feel happy when I am with my friends eating ice cream," you have to take on the lesson and apply it properly. You can tell the story all you want, but if you don't let that resonate with you, then you will never be fully alive. You will never grow in to the beautiful flower you were meant to be.
I have a tendency to ignore my more positive stories after I have told them. Instead of choosing to be happy, I let myself get hurt over and over again, even though I know exactly what would make me smile. This causes me to reflect constantly on the happy memories that happen every day. If I do not tell every single person all of the happy little details of my life, I do not feel fulfilled.
I mean, I felt it important to tell everyone that I found slide projectors from 1996 in my lab.
Before this week, I chose to stay quiet and not talk very much in the lab. I did not really let them see how excited I was to perform the smallest of experiments. I did not talk about how many articles I had read, nor I did share how happy I was to be able to talk about science every day for ten weeks. Instead, I sat in my little corner desk and avoided everyone.
I was miserable.
But this week is better because I have talked to the others about my family, about myself, and about how happy I am to study science. I am being me. I am being the quirky, goofy, nerdy girl that I am proud to be.
And now that I am being me, I am starting to feel a shift in the lab. I don't have to wear my headphones, nor do I have to hide in the corner. I can talk to people and make jokes without being prompted.
Life is better when you do what you are supposed to do AND be who you are supposed to be.
So let people tell their stories. Tell your stories. And when you're all done, live your story as well.
I am especially guilty of this. Being slightly prideful when it comes to my memory, I tend to tune people out when they tell the same story over and over. Sometimes I interrupt them with a, "I know and this happened."
The light in the speaker's eyes dies out as soon as I say that.
It is somewhat ironic that I find myself interrupting my friends and family and professors when they are speaking. I tell the same stories over and over as if they were the most important thing on the planet. If someone hurt me, then I had to remind people over and over. If someone did something somewhat sweet to me, then I had to talk about it, even weeks after the fact. I want people to know what happens in my life.
So really I am not all that different from everyone else.
Why does it matter so much to finish a story?
"Storytelling reveals meaning without committing the error of defining it" ~Hannah Arendt
When we tell someone about something that happened in our lives, we are not talking about the event so much as we are trying to recreate the feeling. We want people to know what makes us happy, and we want people to understand why we are hurt. It is not so much about the exact instance as it is about the way everything happened.
When we share stories, we share our hearts.
The stories we choose to tell are the memories that hold the highest concentration of emotion, whether that is good or bad.
It is often said that people tend to enter prayer only at heights of emotion. When life is beautiful, the phrase "hashtag blessed" fills our timelines and instagram posts. When life is difficult, we turn to prayer, often with a little bit of resentment or desperation.
So when something big happens, our hearts deeply feel. We learn something about God. We learn something about ourselves. We learn who God designed us to be.
When something worth telling other people about, happens, our hearts are in a similar place as when that moment. We remember everything that happened, and as a result, we feel it in the same way. As we tell our stories, people have the opportunity to look in to that moment and experience the same emotions.
Because we don't want people to have to struggle, we give them a chance to learn the lesson without having to feel the pain that got us there.
Everyone has a unique story
It is well known that everyone lives a different life. Even twins from the same household in the same classes have different experiences.
This is deliberately done by God.
In the Gospel of Mark, Jesus describes this action:
"This is how it is with the kingdom of God;
it is as if a man were to scatter seed on the land
and would sleep and rise night and day
and through it all the seed would sprout and grow,
he knows not how."
it is as if a man were to scatter seed on the land
and would sleep and rise night and day
and through it all the seed would sprout and grow,
he knows not how."
God plants seeds in our hearts. These seeds are the traits that are unique to us, and they draw humanity closer to Him. Everyone receives the seeds that will grow in to the Fruits of the Holy Spirit. As a result, from the moment of our conception, our souls are made to live in the way that God wants us to so that we may spend eternity with Him.
However, plants do not grow in the same way, even with the same seeds.
We are not meant to be exactly like anyone else.
What makes a plant grow differently? The environment that it is in. This is the same with us. We have our own stories that make us unique, and they show us how to become more and more of ourselves. Where we are planted is also a part of God's unique design of the world.
Now if a plant does not take in the nutrients that it is given, then it will wither away. Sometimes it does not grow as many fruits. Occasionally the coloration of the plant changes. It is not correct.
When we choose to ignore our experiences, we are hurt.
But when we let our experiences transform us, we shine.
And how do we have the opportunity to fully understand our experiences?
By telling stories.
Living Your Story
More importantly, once you have told your story, it is important to live it as well. If God teaches you a lesson, even if it is a small one like, "I feel happy when I am with my friends eating ice cream," you have to take on the lesson and apply it properly. You can tell the story all you want, but if you don't let that resonate with you, then you will never be fully alive. You will never grow in to the beautiful flower you were meant to be.
I have a tendency to ignore my more positive stories after I have told them. Instead of choosing to be happy, I let myself get hurt over and over again, even though I know exactly what would make me smile. This causes me to reflect constantly on the happy memories that happen every day. If I do not tell every single person all of the happy little details of my life, I do not feel fulfilled.
I mean, I felt it important to tell everyone that I found slide projectors from 1996 in my lab.
Before this week, I chose to stay quiet and not talk very much in the lab. I did not really let them see how excited I was to perform the smallest of experiments. I did not talk about how many articles I had read, nor I did share how happy I was to be able to talk about science every day for ten weeks. Instead, I sat in my little corner desk and avoided everyone.
I was miserable.
But this week is better because I have talked to the others about my family, about myself, and about how happy I am to study science. I am being me. I am being the quirky, goofy, nerdy girl that I am proud to be.
And now that I am being me, I am starting to feel a shift in the lab. I don't have to wear my headphones, nor do I have to hide in the corner. I can talk to people and make jokes without being prompted.
Life is better when you do what you are supposed to do AND be who you are supposed to be.
So let people tell their stories. Tell your stories. And when you're all done, live your story as well.
Friday, June 12, 2015
Why You Should Still Keep Listening to Love Songs
Being a Hopeless Romantic is pretty much one of my most defining characteristics. I have a long list of crushes with unique code names that either never found out that I liked them or rejected me. I have the longest love song playlist out of most of my friends. I honestly cannot remember the last time I was without a major crush dominating my mind.
For the past semester I have been sitting around without a crush. As I said, I don't remember the last time that happened.There are two responses to this situation in society.
Back on the Horse
The first is to stop sitting around, jump in to the bars, and do everything you can to find the right man. People assume that if there isn't a romantic aspect to your life story that something is wrong with you. They ask you who you like over and over, just to see if you were hiding something before. They tell you that there has to be someone.
Think about it.
When was the last time you saw a movie without a love story in it? Even the action movies have romantic implications that do nothing to further the plot.
If you aren't in love, then something is wrong with you.
No one wants something to be wrong with them.
In the past, I would immediately jump back to the first person that would spark my interest. This resulted in returning my feelings to boys that hurt me. The most recent of these boys ended up really breaking my heart, simply by pure apathy. On the day I decided to leave that place of feeling (I wouldn't say relationship), an empty feeling consumed my heart. I realized something:
It makes you think that something about your love is wrong. You don't do it right. You have to get better at loving someone. You don't know what love is. These are all the thoughts that I experienced as I tried to figure out my place in these situations.
As a result, I turned to response two:
Independent Woman Who Don't Need No Man.
The nature tendency in this situation is to cut all ties to love stories, music, and all other things. Women are constantly being told that if we choose to be romantics and feel too much that we will never be taken seriously. We are told over and over that if we want to make it that we need to ignore the men.
An obvious example of society's rejection of women focused on love is Taylor Swift. How many jokes do we hear about how boy crazy she is? How many times is she looked down upon because the majority of her work reflects the relationships that she has experienced?
Choosing to listen to love songs and cry with a pint of Ben and Jerry's is no longer an accepted option unless you have been dumped. And even then you are expected to get back to normal within a week. That means you have to cut out the love songs, the movies, the books, the ice cream, the feelings, and everything that you could ever equate with too much of this "feminine weakness."
Now remember that I entered this stage after warping my image of love. Romance was worthless for me because I was incapable of loving someone properly, or so I thought.
I thought my feelings were a sign of deep weakness.
Weakness does not give you a PhD.
Love songs do not get you to a PhD.
Feeling did not get me anywhere closer to a PhD.
Suddenly my giant library was nothing but Christian music and rap.
An Odd Combination Worth Remembering
Oddly enough, there is a common theme in both of these genres: Confidence. Christian music reflects the confidence that we receive from God. It tells us that we can be confident in His promises and that everything is going to be ok. Christian music allows us to feel closer to God and feel His hand on our shoulder when life gets difficult.
Rap music may not have the same morals, but there is a lot of confidence in rap music. Nearly every rapper has to mention that he can and will do everything. There is no person that can stop a rapper from succeeding. Rap music allows us to feel like we can do whatever we set our mind to.
I realized that I could not keep letting my broken heart take away part of my identity. Just because those boys broke my heart did not mean that I could not find love.
And so I typed the word, "Love" in my music search.
I found Love by Jana Kramer.
Yes, it hurts a lot to be rejected time and time again.
Yes, I was asked what went wrong.
Yes, it is hard to get back to normal.
Yes, I wanted to quit for much longer.
But all I really wanted was to find the love that I know exists. I see it every day through my amazing parents. I see it in my friends who have had long standing relationships. I see it in my little brother and his girlfriend. I see it everywhere I go.
It used to discourage me to see all of this love and not be able to participate. Then I remembered something: I knew love was real.
If you know something is real, then you can believe in it.
Belief
Isn't it more powerful to believe in something? Think about how beautiful it is to believe in something and finally see it happen.
Imagine a football team that started out their season with a losing record and being scorned by their community. Imagine their coach telling them that they could make it to state and win. Imagine them working hard, winning more games, and finally winning at state.
Love is the same.
Isn't is more of a testimony to "The One" if you keep fighting through the heartache in order to get where you need to go? Isn't it a chance to prove that there are no limitations in this world? Isn't it a chance to prove everyone wrong? Isn't it a chance to say that you are worth more than what you used to believe?
Aren't all of these opportunities a chance to be powerful?
Yes.
Power
There is a power that I have not described yet. It is clear that believing in something is a chance to prove power, but there is a power that is above all other powers. It is what makes all things possible, what makes our lives greater, what gives us a chance to fight through the pain. It is is this power that makes life better.
God does not let you fail. He is building a life for you that is greater than anything you can imagine. He sent people to this world to help you along the way. He made the musicians that wrote those love songs, and He made music so that we could connect in a way that no other medium may ever be able to. He made dancers so the emotions we feel may be expressed through movement.
He gave us hearts that are able to feel everything.
Feelings like those of humanity are something that are unique to our race. It is a God give gift to feel.
Not believing in these feelings is shunting the power God could channel through them.
By removing the love songs from my library, I was refusing to feel what God was allowing me to feel.
Last week, I started playing all of my old playlists. And as soon as I started to let myself feel again, even if it is not directed towards anyone, I felt myself coming back together. I was able to work on my experiments with the excitement that I used to have. I felt confident in my ability to do anything. I felt like I was going to succeed, even though I was the least likely to succeed in my lab. All because I let God's gift run through me again.
Because I choose to believe in love
Because I choose to believe in myself
Because I choose to believe in God...
I am able to do anything.
So...
Love, love, love, I still believe in you.
For the past semester I have been sitting around without a crush. As I said, I don't remember the last time that happened.There are two responses to this situation in society.
Back on the Horse
The first is to stop sitting around, jump in to the bars, and do everything you can to find the right man. People assume that if there isn't a romantic aspect to your life story that something is wrong with you. They ask you who you like over and over, just to see if you were hiding something before. They tell you that there has to be someone.
Think about it.
When was the last time you saw a movie without a love story in it? Even the action movies have romantic implications that do nothing to further the plot.
If you aren't in love, then something is wrong with you.
No one wants something to be wrong with them.
In the past, I would immediately jump back to the first person that would spark my interest. This resulted in returning my feelings to boys that hurt me. The most recent of these boys ended up really breaking my heart, simply by pure apathy. On the day I decided to leave that place of feeling (I wouldn't say relationship), an empty feeling consumed my heart. I realized something:
Forcing love out of an apathetic situation does nothing but warp your image of love further
It makes you think that something about your love is wrong. You don't do it right. You have to get better at loving someone. You don't know what love is. These are all the thoughts that I experienced as I tried to figure out my place in these situations.
As a result, I turned to response two:
Independent Woman Who Don't Need No Man.
The nature tendency in this situation is to cut all ties to love stories, music, and all other things. Women are constantly being told that if we choose to be romantics and feel too much that we will never be taken seriously. We are told over and over that if we want to make it that we need to ignore the men.
An obvious example of society's rejection of women focused on love is Taylor Swift. How many jokes do we hear about how boy crazy she is? How many times is she looked down upon because the majority of her work reflects the relationships that she has experienced?
Choosing to listen to love songs and cry with a pint of Ben and Jerry's is no longer an accepted option unless you have been dumped. And even then you are expected to get back to normal within a week. That means you have to cut out the love songs, the movies, the books, the ice cream, the feelings, and everything that you could ever equate with too much of this "feminine weakness."
Now remember that I entered this stage after warping my image of love. Romance was worthless for me because I was incapable of loving someone properly, or so I thought.
I thought my feelings were a sign of deep weakness.
Weakness does not give you a PhD.
Love songs do not get you to a PhD.
Feeling did not get me anywhere closer to a PhD.
Suddenly my giant library was nothing but Christian music and rap.
An Odd Combination Worth Remembering
Oddly enough, there is a common theme in both of these genres: Confidence. Christian music reflects the confidence that we receive from God. It tells us that we can be confident in His promises and that everything is going to be ok. Christian music allows us to feel closer to God and feel His hand on our shoulder when life gets difficult.
"And he'll break
open the skies to save
those who cry out his name
the One the wind and waves obey
is strong enough to save you"
open the skies to save
those who cry out his name
the One the wind and waves obey
is strong enough to save you"
~Strong Enough to Save (Tenth Avenue North)
Rap music may not have the same morals, but there is a lot of confidence in rap music. Nearly every rapper has to mention that he can and will do everything. There is no person that can stop a rapper from succeeding. Rap music allows us to feel like we can do whatever we set our mind to.
"Na-na-na that that don't kill me
Can only make me stronger
I need you to hurry up now
'Cause I can't wait much longer"
Can only make me stronger
I need you to hurry up now
'Cause I can't wait much longer"
~Stronger (Kanye West...keeping it cleanish)
I realized that I could not keep letting my broken heart take away part of my identity. Just because those boys broke my heart did not mean that I could not find love.
And so I typed the word, "Love" in my music search.
I found Love by Jana Kramer.
Love, how many times can a heart break?
Love, how much weight can a soul take?
Love, I don’t know where you ran off to
But love, love, love, I still believe in you.
Love, how much weight can a soul take?
Love, I don’t know where you ran off to
But love, love, love, I still believe in you.
Yes, it hurts a lot to be rejected time and time again.
Yes, I was asked what went wrong.
Yes, it is hard to get back to normal.
Yes, I wanted to quit for much longer.
But all I really wanted was to find the love that I know exists. I see it every day through my amazing parents. I see it in my friends who have had long standing relationships. I see it in my little brother and his girlfriend. I see it everywhere I go.
It used to discourage me to see all of this love and not be able to participate. Then I remembered something: I knew love was real.
If you know something is real, then you can believe in it.
Belief
Isn't it more powerful to believe in something? Think about how beautiful it is to believe in something and finally see it happen.
Imagine a football team that started out their season with a losing record and being scorned by their community. Imagine their coach telling them that they could make it to state and win. Imagine them working hard, winning more games, and finally winning at state.
Love is the same.
Isn't is more of a testimony to "The One" if you keep fighting through the heartache in order to get where you need to go? Isn't it a chance to prove that there are no limitations in this world? Isn't it a chance to prove everyone wrong? Isn't it a chance to say that you are worth more than what you used to believe?
Aren't all of these opportunities a chance to be powerful?
Yes.
Belief is power.
Power
There is a power that I have not described yet. It is clear that believing in something is a chance to prove power, but there is a power that is above all other powers. It is what makes all things possible, what makes our lives greater, what gives us a chance to fight through the pain. It is is this power that makes life better.
Belief in God is the greatest power that man may ever possess.
God does not let you fail. He is building a life for you that is greater than anything you can imagine. He sent people to this world to help you along the way. He made the musicians that wrote those love songs, and He made music so that we could connect in a way that no other medium may ever be able to. He made dancers so the emotions we feel may be expressed through movement.
He gave us hearts that are able to feel everything.
Feelings like those of humanity are something that are unique to our race. It is a God give gift to feel.
Not believing in these feelings is shunting the power God could channel through them.
By removing the love songs from my library, I was refusing to feel what God was allowing me to feel.
Last week, I started playing all of my old playlists. And as soon as I started to let myself feel again, even if it is not directed towards anyone, I felt myself coming back together. I was able to work on my experiments with the excitement that I used to have. I felt confident in my ability to do anything. I felt like I was going to succeed, even though I was the least likely to succeed in my lab. All because I let God's gift run through me again.
Because I choose to believe in love
Because I choose to believe in myself
Because I choose to believe in God...
I am able to do anything.
So...
Love, love, love, I still believe in you.
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Summer of Good News
According to Dr. Vaughan, it’s the “Summer of Good News.” In
the lab, that means that we will have good results and we can move forward.
However, for the visitor aka Felicity, everything about this summer is Good
News.
If you did not catch the Jesus Juke there….I mean that this
summer is all the work of the Lord. God is giving me an opportunity to
experience His love and to spread His word in a way that I have never done
before.
However, I think a little bit of back story might be
necessary for those who are new to this blog.
At the end of October of 2014, I was studying hard for the
MCAT. I was that crazy kid that took physics over the summer and started
studying in the midst of Organic chemistry and was going to take the test
during the semester. November 7th, 2014 was the date of the exam,
and I was living and breathing MCAT prep. My resumes were prepped. My grades
were great. Every journal article that could possibly be discussed in an
interview was read and annotated. Nothing was going to stop me from excelling
and getting in to medical school.
But as I studied, I found myself becoming more and more
miserable. Less and less of me wanted to go to the hospital to shadow. The only
thing I wanted to do was read journal articles and go to class. I did not care
for handing patients a drug and hope that worked anymore. I did not want to be
a doctor anymore.
All I had been doing for the past ten years was gone.
All of the classes.
All of the MCAT study books.
All of the shadowing.
All of the independent studying.
All of it was worthless.
After ten years of planning and working, I was without a
direct path. Being a type A person, that drove me insane. Why would God let me
go down the wrong path for such a long time? Why would He give me all of these
resources and leave me hung up to dry? I was upset and anxious beyond belief.
So I did what I always do when I get stressed.
I talked to my residents.
Around the same time, a bunch of my residents were studying
for hard biology exams and writing their first real formal lab report. Being a
junior in Biochemistry/Molecular Biology, it was easy for me to help them get
through that week. The more that I helped them, the better I felt about myself.
Each student I helped brought my heart more and more peace.
Peace in the heart is a yes from God.
Feeling that Yes, I walked to my advisor’s office and told
her that my new goal was to attend graduate school to ultimately become a
professor in the sciences. She was excited to say the least. My parents
immediately started helping me develop a plan. My friends were so excited. Life
got so much better.
It took a lot of work, but I completed at least seven REU
applications. I was accepted in to UTK, but I did not feel at peace with it,
even though they were the only ones to accept me in to their program.
On the last day to turn in my paperwork, I received a call
from Dr. Whaley at the University of Notre Dame. They wanted to interview me to
be in their program. I was smiling from ear to ear for days. My father informed
me that I actually had a connection to the research that I would be conducting,
and after looking in to it, I could see that the Vaughan lab offered everything
that I had been looking for.
There have been a lot of growing moments in the past few
months. I have grown up a lot, and I have learned a lot. But what I have
learned the most is that God really does have our backs.
He will open every door that you need.
I could not imagine spending my summer doing anything else.
Being here at the University of Notre Dame has helped me see that my vocation
to serve others is possible, even without medicine. Instead of being miserable
as I study all day, I am excited. Every opportunity I have to learn a theory, a
concept, or a technique is a joyful experience for me.
Because I chose to listen to the Holy Spirit, I have found
myself here. Because I chose to take a risk and listen to God’s will instead of
my perfectly thought out plan, I found a future that was more perfect than anything
I could have imagined. Because of the faith I find in Christ Jesus, my life is
better each day.
Sometimes God makes you wait. Sometimes He gives you an
alternative path. Sometimes He asks you to grow. Regardless, God will never
leave you alone, and He will give you the best future possible, but only if you
listen to Him.
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Week 1: The Struggle
Hello there my Dear Readers! I apologize for not having posted in a while. As some of you may know, I am performing research at The University of Notre Dame this summer, and I have been a bit busy these past few weeks, just trying to get everything set and get settled in to my science filled summer.
To start out today's post, I would like to draw your attention to a part of the first reading from Mass yesterday. It is from Tobit 2 and it reads:
It is easy to lose our sense of kindness and peace when we are blind to the path that the Lord has given us. When life gets difficult, we tend to blame other people for what is going wrong, or for what we do not expect to happen. That is how my first week went at ND.
In the past week, I have left my family with no easy way to get back for the first time. And to make matters even more uncomfortable, I did not know anyone on campus. I had to have a roommate in a tiny room that even a Pembro might scoff at.
In the past week, I have been reminded of just how much I don't know. My first few days consisted of me sitting in the back corner of our basement lab with no instruction other than: learn. When I wasn't reading every paper known to man about lysosomes, Neimann Pick Type C disease, or LAMP-1, I was in my PI's office. Those meetings were the most unnerving experience. For at least an hour at a time, I was given lectures filled with questions on the smallest details of biochemistry and molecular biology, and I was expected to know all of it. I knew only certain concepts, and half the time I used different terminology. Defeated, I was sent back to the corner of the lab to work. I never felt more incapable.
I was exhausted, homesick, and I started to question my career path. On Friday night, I stayed in and cried myself to sleep. Everything I had dreamed my summer would be seemed to be completely wrong. I asked for God to grant me some peace. Two moments made that possible.
The Grotto
Time with Jesus always makes me feel better during tough times.Even though ND is a Catholic school, they locked up all of their chapels this summer. Desperate, I started to look at every building I could. All of them were locked. Exhausted, I walked around the Bascillica one more time. Behind the Basillica I found one of the most beautiful parts of Notre Dame: The Grotto.
I instantly fell on my knees at the kneelers and sobbed for a long while. When I finally had the strength to look up again, I looked over to the side to see a small candle sitting all alone. Even though it was alone, it was still burning brightly, along with all of the other candles within the Grotto. The sight brought great comfort to my heart. All of God's prayers were heard, regardless of who said them and where they were when they said them. Everyone belongs. I wiped the tears from my face and lit my own candle and set it next to the candle that was once alone.
Feast of the Holy Trinity
On Saturday, I hung out with the other members of the REU program and was able to smile again. However, I still felt some residual fear in my heart at the thought of returning to my basement desk. The next day was the Feast of the Holy Trinity, and the priest spoke about the meaning of the Trinity for each of us.
We are not perfect like Christ, but we can act in His love and for Him. Everything we do is a testament to God and He loves us enough to let us be a part of that. This also means that we must enter a passion, just as Christ did. We have to die to ourselves and choose to take on our cross with dignity and love. And we can do it because we have the same Spirit within us.
I felt empowered.
I could come back to lab. I could fit in here. I could be the Felicity I was made to be.
Improvement
The beginning of this week has been significantly better. I wake up each morning to work out as usual, and as I do so, I choose to be happy and to take on whatever challenge the Lord hands me. The days have gone by faster and the work has felt much better. In fact, I have even be able to start preparing to perform some experiments and have been taught new lab techniques.
This joy brings me to today's first reading, which is also from Tobit. Sarah is a woman who was being abused by her peers because they did not understand what was going on. She was near killing herself when she remembered how that action would bring pain to her father. So she entered in to prayer saying:
No, I was not near killing myself by any means, but I was choosing to let the beautiful smile of mine die away because of hardship. Instead of sharing the joyful times with my family, I only told them the bad stuff. It must have hurt my parents' feelings a lot. So instead of taking in the bad, I chose to take in the good of each day and thank God for it.
But I would not say that I am all perfect. I have sinned by not recognizing the amazing opportunity to learn and grow here at Notre Dame like I should have. I still get angry about the amount of down time I have had in the lab. So, in regards to this, I would like to share part of the prayer that Tobit said before the Lord cured his eye sight:
To start out today's post, I would like to draw your attention to a part of the first reading from Mass yesterday. It is from Tobit 2 and it reads:
"I called to my wife and said: “Where did this goat come from?
Perhaps it was stolen! Give it back to its owners;
we have no right to eat stolen food!”
She said to me, “It was given to me as a bonus over and above my wages.”
Yet I would not believe her,
and told her to give it back to its owners.
I became very angry with her over this.
So she retorted: “Where are your charitable deeds now?
Where are your virtuous acts?
See! Your true character is finally showing itself!”
In this passage, Tobit is laying on his bed because he has gone blind from a bird pooping in his eyes when he didn't cover his face at night. His wife had worked hard to make money and support their family, and her masters gave her a goat in addition to her salary. However, Tobit is cruel to his wife, and she points out that his true character is not charitable and understanding, but rather Tobit is harsh.
It is easy to lose our sense of kindness and peace when we are blind to the path that the Lord has given us. When life gets difficult, we tend to blame other people for what is going wrong, or for what we do not expect to happen. That is how my first week went at ND.
My Experience:
In the past week, I have left my family with no easy way to get back for the first time. And to make matters even more uncomfortable, I did not know anyone on campus. I had to have a roommate in a tiny room that even a Pembro might scoff at.
In the past week, I have been reminded of just how much I don't know. My first few days consisted of me sitting in the back corner of our basement lab with no instruction other than: learn. When I wasn't reading every paper known to man about lysosomes, Neimann Pick Type C disease, or LAMP-1, I was in my PI's office. Those meetings were the most unnerving experience. For at least an hour at a time, I was given lectures filled with questions on the smallest details of biochemistry and molecular biology, and I was expected to know all of it. I knew only certain concepts, and half the time I used different terminology. Defeated, I was sent back to the corner of the lab to work. I never felt more incapable.
I was exhausted, homesick, and I started to question my career path. On Friday night, I stayed in and cried myself to sleep. Everything I had dreamed my summer would be seemed to be completely wrong. I asked for God to grant me some peace. Two moments made that possible.
The Grotto
Time with Jesus always makes me feel better during tough times.Even though ND is a Catholic school, they locked up all of their chapels this summer. Desperate, I started to look at every building I could. All of them were locked. Exhausted, I walked around the Bascillica one more time. Behind the Basillica I found one of the most beautiful parts of Notre Dame: The Grotto.
I instantly fell on my knees at the kneelers and sobbed for a long while. When I finally had the strength to look up again, I looked over to the side to see a small candle sitting all alone. Even though it was alone, it was still burning brightly, along with all of the other candles within the Grotto. The sight brought great comfort to my heart. All of God's prayers were heard, regardless of who said them and where they were when they said them. Everyone belongs. I wiped the tears from my face and lit my own candle and set it next to the candle that was once alone.
Feast of the Holy Trinity
On Saturday, I hung out with the other members of the REU program and was able to smile again. However, I still felt some residual fear in my heart at the thought of returning to my basement desk. The next day was the Feast of the Holy Trinity, and the priest spoke about the meaning of the Trinity for each of us.
We are all special because we have the same spirit in us that Jesus Christ did.
We are not perfect like Christ, but we can act in His love and for Him. Everything we do is a testament to God and He loves us enough to let us be a part of that. This also means that we must enter a passion, just as Christ did. We have to die to ourselves and choose to take on our cross with dignity and love. And we can do it because we have the same Spirit within us.
I felt empowered.
I could come back to lab. I could fit in here. I could be the Felicity I was made to be.
Improvement
The beginning of this week has been significantly better. I wake up each morning to work out as usual, and as I do so, I choose to be happy and to take on whatever challenge the Lord hands me. The days have gone by faster and the work has felt much better. In fact, I have even be able to start preparing to perform some experiments and have been taught new lab techniques.
This joy brings me to today's first reading, which is also from Tobit. Sarah is a woman who was being abused by her peers because they did not understand what was going on. She was near killing herself when she remembered how that action would bring pain to her father. So she entered in to prayer saying:
Blessed are you, O Lord, merciful God,
and blessed is your holy and honorable name.
Blessed are you in all your works for ever!
No, I was not near killing myself by any means, but I was choosing to let the beautiful smile of mine die away because of hardship. Instead of sharing the joyful times with my family, I only told them the bad stuff. It must have hurt my parents' feelings a lot. So instead of taking in the bad, I chose to take in the good of each day and thank God for it.
But I would not say that I am all perfect. I have sinned by not recognizing the amazing opportunity to learn and grow here at Notre Dame like I should have. I still get angry about the amount of down time I have had in the lab. So, in regards to this, I would like to share part of the prayer that Tobit said before the Lord cured his eye sight:
You are righteous, O Lord,
and all your deeds are just;
All your ways are mercy and truth;
you are the judge of the world.
And now, O Lord, may you be mindful of me,
and look with favor upon me.
Punish me not for my sins
I will talk more about my science stuff later. I just felt like this was a little more important to share.
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