The Two Most Difficult Confessions

During my Senior year of high school, I had the opportunity to go to Confession during our Kairos retreat. I was very anxious to confess a sin of mine that I desperately wished to wash clean. Due to negative treatment of my ex boyfriend, I had left God because I did not believe that He could love me. As I tried to come back, I felt the sin of those silent months holding me back.

I wanted to sprint to Christ.

So I confessed my sin.

The priest told me that it wasn't a sin and wrote off my Confession.

I was heartbroken. Did Jesus not wish to forgive me? Was the sin ever going to be washed away? If the priest did not forgive me in personae christae, then did the Confession not count? These questions filled my heart and I dreaded every confession afterwards. Even though I was a good Catholic girl, I hated Confession. It filled my heart with fear and doubt and worry.

But of all the Confessions I have had, there were two that scared me the most. I will share these stories in order to emphasize the importance of Confession in the Christian life, particularly those to a priest in the form of a Sacrament.

SEEK 2015: Round Two

It was the afternoon of our third day at SEEK 2015, a huge conference filled with 10,000 Catholic college students, hundreds of religious, and numerous guest speakers. My friends and I saw that the line for Confession was short (a rarity at a Catholic conference), so we decided to go.

I did not want to be there.

I had gone to Confession not too long before, so I did not have any sins on my mind. The only thing that I could think of was that period of time that I spent without Christ. Even though it had been three years since I had tried to confess that sin before, my heart was still filled with immense anxiety and regret for not recognizing God's love. It was all I had left to Confess.

I felt sick to my stomach.

I could not admit that to a person again.

It was so easy to just talk to God about it in the chapel. I could pretend that He was kindly responding and inspiring me. I could pretend that it was all ok, and the sin was washed away. By devoting my personal prayer to that one transgression, I was able to fake my freedom. The simple fact that I was still praying over this time period three years later proved otherwise.

I had to tell someone who was physically there.

"In failing to confess, Lord, I would only hide You from myself, not myself from You."

--Saint Augustine

In the back corner of the Confession room was a priest in a gray habit. I had never spoken to anyone in his order, so I decided to go to Confession with him. After saying a few venial sins, I let out a shaky breath and admitted my guilt yet again. My voice had cracked in the middle and I was crying. Partially because of my guilt, but mostly because of my fear. What was he going to say this time?

The priest looked at me and answered me as if I had no reason confessing that sin. He told me that if I had confessed it before that it was gone, and I needed to be grateful to God. It was as if Jesus himself was telling me to get over myself.

As I was about to leave, the priest stopped me and pulled a miraculous medal out of his habit. (I still have no idea how he fit the little packet in there. Perhaps I was the only one he gave a medal to.) He told me to remember to pray a Daily Rosary and to stay close to Mary because she would keep me close to Christ. I thanked him and left.

I put the medal on immediately after, and I wear it nearly every day. This medal is a reminder that, unlike the first priest to hear my confession, God will always show mercy. My soul had been cleansed over three years ago, and I could move on with my life.

All I needed to do was admit my fear and come to Christ.

By physically going to Confession, we force ourselves to admit that something needs to change. We cannot hide behind our own thoughts and feelings and imagination. Confession allows us to find His love and mercy in a very personal manner. It is terrifying, but it is of the upmost importance in our lives.

Letting Go

Another one of my larger problems in life is that I don't let go of...anything. Most importantly, I never forgive people for hurting me. If they say something mean, or if they mistreated me, or if they were rude one time, or if they just give me a weird look, I don't let go. My mom likes to remind me of the time I thought a man gave me a mean look from the car next to us when I was seven.

Apparently, I talked about it for the rest of the day.

So imagine how much worse that got by the time people actually hurt me.

I recently have had the misfortune of being hurt by a good friend of mine, and I was harboring a lot of anger. When I prayed, I prayed for God to heal me. I refused to forgive him for what he had done to me. My prayer life was centered around him, much like my life had for the past several months.

My pride told me that I was too good to forgive him for using me.

"A soul does not benefit from the sacrament of confession if it is not humble. Pride keeps it in darkness. The soul neither knows how, nor is it willing, to probe with precision the depths of its own misery. It puts on a mask and avoids everything that might bring it recovery."

--Saint Faustina

By holding on to my anger, I was letting this instance take control of my life. It was sitting on my shoulders, whispering in my ear, "Don't be happy. Don't do what you want. If anything is wrong with you, it's his fault ok?"

I was not myself. Because I had used this anger as an excuse to remain silent, I found myself distancing myself from my new friends. If they did not understand my problems, then they never would understand me.

Eventually I figured out that by holding back from forgiveness that I was living in sin. So yesterday I decided to go to Confession. I spent most of the day listening to Christian music and praying the Rosary under my lab desk. After three years, I was finally going to remove myself from this sin, from all of the hate and falsehood, from everything I hated about myself since I started college. This was a huge deal, but no one knew about it

The Confession itself was not a huge deal. I did not feel an enormous release, nor did I feel any different afterwards. The only thing I felt was a need to pray for the grace to forgive the boy who hurt me, and to pray in Thanksgiving for the men in my life that have shown me that life will get better.

I did not change.

Life did not change.

God does not change.

Trust in an Unwavering Lord

Confession is an act of honesty and courage - an act of entrusting ourselves, beyond sin, to the mercy of a loving and forgiving God.

--Pope John Paul 2

Just because my life was not completely changed by the Confession does not mean that God's mercy and grace were not present in that moment. The Spirit granted me the courage to be vulnerable with Our Lord and admit my fault in the midst of my anger.

I am not saying forgiveness is easy

But it is easier when you know that God will always forgive you.

Confession is an amazing Sacrament because it calls us to go beyond ourselves. It calls us not only to see what we have done to others, but it also helps us to more fully understand God's infinite mercy. He wants to forgive us. He wants us to be at peace with Him forever.

When I am hurt by someone, I never forget. Most of the time, I have to move on by myself. They do not apologize. The rare occurrences when they apologize are some of the most freeing experiences.

I get to say, "It's ok. I understand."

And every single time they look at me like I just handed them a million dollars.

When we go to Confession, it is our opportunity to apologize to God. He gets to tell us that He understands, because He really does understand. He was on Earth, struggling through the same situations....and then He was put to death on a cross. Even then Jesus Christ chose to forgive us and love us.

Fr. Mike Schmit once said that Confession was not us getting a second chance with Christ, but rather Christ asking for a second chance. He gives us the grace to try again, to be better, and to love Him more.

Without the act of Confession, it would be difficult to imagine Christ speaking to us and telling us that He has forgiven us. With Confession however, we can hear the words "you are forgiven" and we can (if you wish), see a human face forgiving us for what we have done wrong or granting us the grace to forgive others.

So free yourself of your sins.

So free others from your anger.

Let all of the pain and anger slip away with Christ's love. Then, and only then can you become who you were meant to be: a saint.

And in the words of Thomas Merton:

“For me to be a saint means to be myself. Therefore the problem of sanctity and salvation is in fact the problem of finding out who I am and of discovering my true self.”