Belief in Something Greater

The theme for Belmont University in its 125th year is "Belief in Something Greater". After hearing a few intriguing lectures in my Biophysical Chemistry class and reflecting a bit on what God had to say on this matter, these thoughts came to my heart.

So I will share them with y'all.

The Science of Something Greater
In the late 1800's to the mid 1900's a German Physicist named Max Planck created the field of Quantum Mechanics. There were many great things that this man discovered, but there was one that troubled him a bit: at the base level of all things, molecules moved completely at random. There was no order to the little particles that made up everything. After growing up in a strong Lutheran family and ultimately converting to some sort of deism, Planck struggled with the ultimate randomness of the universe. After all, if God made everything, and if God made a plan, then shouldn't all things have order?

Planck's struggle with the randomness of the universe is similar to that of our own lives. We go through random experiences and we do random things and sometimes we feel as if our lives have little effect on the world around us. After all, we are just one person.

"One tear in the dropping rain
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart"

~Hold My Heart, Tenth Avenue North

I had this thought while sitting in my gazebo the other day. Belmont University has been around for 125 years, and several people have sat within the open walls of my gazebo. My story was small in comparison to the many stories that came to be from that gazebo. Yet for some reason, everything that happened there changed my whole life, and I became a different person there.

Perhaps there was something greater at hand.

Ironically, there was an answer to Planck's questions far before he asked them. In the mid 1800's, two men named Boltzmann and Maxwell applied statistics to systems in order to understand them more clearly.

What they discovered was that regardless of temperature, enthalpy, and a few other factors, that systems all had the same result. Entropy was increased.

Entropy is typically defined as disorder. After all, that seems to make a bit more sense to us. And it does call for some pretty funny comics.

If you did not want to read about physics, stick with me for just a second.

What Entropy really is is not increased disorder. Instead, it is an increase in possibilities. All systems move towards having more possibilities, even if it doesn't make sense. For example, sometimes a system gets colder after it does some amount of work. Everything else in science would say that this reaction would not happen, but it does...every single time.

Now let's think about the little random particles that Planck was studying. They were moving about randomly, and it seemed like they were not functioning as a unit.

But if you put them together, you can see that they are moving so that more possibilities may be made possible. Not only that, but if you look at the system as a whole, you will see that the majority of these seemingly random particles are moving towards that greater end. And as more and more particles come together, less and less of them are found in the outskirts.

All of creation is moving towards creating more.

God uses our seemingly random lives to create something greater.

Separated, it may all seem meaningless and empty, but in context, all of life has an ordered end: creation. Once in Heaven, we are unified with God, and through that Communion, we continue to take part in the creation of the world. God wills for more and more to happen.

But the increase in Entropy, the increase in possibilities, would not happen if it were not for the seemingly random motion of each molecule in the system.

So then, let's return to Belmont for a moment. Let's go back to my little gazebo in the middle of campus.

My Something Greater

At first, I was a scared and lonely girl. My family had just moved to Nashville, and my best friend from high school had decided that we were no longer friends. Heartbroken, lost, and confused, I decided to force myself out of my shell and talk to people that I never thought I would talk to before.

My first best day happened in the little gazebo across the giant stairs of Pembroke. In that place, the little girl was vulnerable for the first time. She talked to a boy she hardly knew about everything and anything; she was real.

Nostalgic and sentimental, I returned to that gazebo day after day. Most of the time, I did not bring anyone along with me. Nearly every day, I talked to God, and I thanked Him for the safety I had found in those I met. I had a story to tell, and I felt like I was part of something. If anything were to go wrong, I knew that I was safe in my gazebo, clutching to my rosary and begging God to give me the life I needed.

As my time at Belmont progressed, I met more and more people outside of my little gazebo. Some of them strengthened me. Some of them broke me down. They each had their own stories to tell, their own lives to live, their own little safe places on campus.

But I still had my gazebo.

And I hid inside it instead of talking to people about the more important things in my life.

I did not believe in something greater.

Then one day, I saw that I was alone. No one came to sit with me in the gazebo, and I felt completely silent in the context of the greater story. I felt tiny and worthless. The woman that had grown in confidence, beauty, and grace was now a girl consumed in desperation, infatuation, and sarcasm.

So I stood up and walked out of my gazebo. I walked to the people sitting in the Beaman, laying on the floor on my hallway, dancing in the BlackBox, recording on the weekends, playing in the Curb, drinking coffee at Bongo, and praying in the chapel.

So many lives

So many stories

So many different purposes

So seemingly random

Yet...these lives were part of something greater. They were each part of the Belmont community. Regardless of their majors, their creed, their relationship status, their age...anything really, these people were the surroundings that encased the system of my heart. I could release any of the pent up aggression, fear, or sadness that had broken my heart. I could participate in their activities. I could listen to their songs. I could listen to them. I could dance with them.

I could do anything with them.

I just had to release my energy and allow for the possibilities to come through to my heart.

I had to accept the laws of the universe and increase the entropy of my life.

Because of each of the lives at Belmont University, I found myself again. Instead of anger, I found peace. Instead of sass, I found empathy. Instead of silence, I found a solid prayer life. The seemingly random lives that I encountered every day were simply moving in my life so that I may move towards the ordered end of that God gave me: a life where anything was possible.

I was not stuck in the life I had created.

There was so much more.

Believe in Something Greater

I know that my experience of something greater is not the only one in Belmont's 125 year long story. Each member of the Belmont Community is deeply loved and respected and needed.

"For you are all one in Christ Jesus." ~Galatians 3:28

God put each life here to do something great. He did not just put you on this Earth by a whim. It wasn't just some silly joke. He is not playing Simms with your life.

No. He gave you a life so that you could be a part of what brings each person to Heaven, to that ultimate level of possibilities and creation. He made you so that more life could be found in you. Each person in my life has made it possible for me to find more life within my own little story, from the boy on night one to the sisters who sat with me in the Beaman this morning.

Belief is such an amazing word.

It is better than wishing for something greater, which is a sign that there is not something greater and you are desperate to find it. It is better than hope, which is a sign that you have given up and do not even know if you could find something greater. It is better than dream, because dreams are not reality. Take belief and turn it in to a verb:

Believe.

Believe is an active verb. It calls us to move towards that greater end. By believing in the "something greater," we are able to create something far greater than we could have ever imagined on our own.

So thank you Belmont for calling us to believe in something greater.

Thank you for letting me come back to my gazebo, day after day, and letting me pray for each life that will some day sit in the same spot as me, growing in to that great man or woman you created.

You Suffering Matters

Think about something that bothers you. Is it your stomach? Is it your schedule? Is it your ex, your friends, or your family? Is it that one hair that never seems to fall in to place? Is it your job?

Maybe it is something deeper than that.

Is it loneliness? Is it anger? Is it desperation? Is it envy? Is it heartbreak?

We all have something that is hurting us. Every single person is experiencing some form of struggle, and whether it is an emotional or physical pain, it is part of their life. Behind all of the smiles and jokes, there is a child struggling to find their place.

At some point, you just start to accept that  something sucks. You know that your heart has been broken, or that you are now allergic to your favorite food, or your grades are not quite what you expected them to be. It is easy to handle each little thing, but as these struggles start to pile up, the story changes.

At its Worst

How about those days when everything seems to go wrong? What about those days when you cannot get anything right? Your car breaks down, you wore your shirt backwards, and you left your keys in your room. You find out your friends were talking about you behind your back, and your crush suddenly finds love...somewhere else of course.

You try to cope, but as the events start to pile up, you get crushed.

It is in these times where we feel the most abandoned. No one seems to understand why we are so upset about the little thing we tell them about. We sit in our rooms, fuming because of the misinterpretation of the world. Angry, hurt, and lost.

And it does not seem to be getting any better.

So you tell yourself that if you just keep doing what you are supposed to that it will all get better. If you study harder, your classes will get easier. If you work harder, you will be able to make more money and your coworkers will respect you more. If you live more fully, then your heart will heal and you won't have to be alone anymore.

But you are still alone.

You are still struggling.

And no one understands.

Does it really matter? All of our pain, all of our sorrow, all of our anger...does any of it really make a difference in the world? Why are people dying of diseases like Alzheimer's? Why is cancer still a thing? Why are more and more mental illnesses being diagnosed? Why do we feel pain?

It all seems worthless.

It isn't.

Someone Else Felt Your Pain

In the first century AD, there was a poor man. He worked with his hands until they were raw. Then one day, he went out to preach. Because of his kind words and good works, many people followed him. They came in massive crowds from all over the land.

Then one day, the man started to preach about more difficult things. He was not a "feel good" person anymore, and his followers did not like him anymore. After one short exchange, thousands left his presence. Only twelve remained. They were not cool, nor were they all too bright.

The people that did not like the man decided to get rid of him. But because they were jealous people, they decided to humiliate him in the process. Instead of being treated like any other citizen, they mocked him like a slave and gave him a cruel punishment.

The kind man who worked hard his entire life was forced to carry a giant cross and be hung upon it.

Pain

Rejection

Loss

It all came to this man, a man who did not deserve it. He deserved all of the friends in the world, and he deserved a comfortable life. He should have been a king.

He chose this instead

It was this man's pain that saved the world. He felt everything that we have felt. His arms were sore. His father passed away. His friends left him. He was misunderstood, hated, and lonely. No matter what we feel, he has felt it before. Jesus Christ knows everything, not just by knowledge itself, but by the wisdom of experience.

Your Pain Matters

"It is the cross that tells you that your pain matters." ~Fr. John Simms Baker

God's Son got on the Cross that day because He loved you. Something I have always wondered is if the salvation of the world would have been possible had Jesus not died in this humiliating manner. Also, would anyone have cared if Jesus had been rich and then was put to death?

I don't think so.

Jesus lived a common life. People could relate to Him. That, and He was not just some fake public figure who had a government to run or a social circle to worry about. Jesus was a regular guy who seemed to have everything go wrong all the time. Every single bad day we have, Jesus had for the majority of His life.

Despite all of that Jesus endured

He willingly said, "I love you."

And He died.

People noticed that about Jesus. Regardless of what suffering was present, Jesus was able to come and take it away. Each little malady was taken away, each lonely woman found comfort, everything imaginable was healed.

Even death on a cross.

The Most Important Work You'll Ever Do

When we undergo pain and heartache, we have the opportunity to act as Christ did. We live through the struggle and show love. By showing a certain level of grace, despite the struggle, allows the light of the world to come. When we come to someone else, crying because we cannot take it anymore, beauty is made visible.

Suffering gives love an opportunity to come in.

And when love comes, Heaven is seen.

Souls are saved.

You may not feel it right now, but your struggles are saving souls. Your smile to the girls who can't seem to hold it together may remind them that God does love them. Your ability to stand up, even though your ankle is sprained, shows the world that you can find strength.

And each person that comes to your aid allows for a little bit of Heaven to shine through to all who witness their actions and to you as you go through each day.

Fight the good fight.

Do not feel like you have to fight alone.

For your cross, and those who carry it with you, is what allows us to join Jesus in the salvation of the world.

3 Reasons Why Saying Goodbye is a Good Thing

Many of us believe that if we are no longer associated with someone that we did something wrong. Clearly they were our friend, and we loved them, but they decided that they did not need us anymore.

We strive to stay so that someone else might.

We don't say goodbye to the people and places that negatively impact our lives, nor do we move on towards our dreams. We hold on, even though we know we shouldn't.

I am not saying that long term relationships are not possible. I am certainly not saying that maintaining a beneficial relationship, such as a family like my own, is wrong. In fact, I believe that there are some key people that are meant to stay in your life.

But you don't have to hurt just to avoid being alone

And here is why:

1. The World is Not Meant to Remain Constant

All life changes and moves. Nothing, not even the mountains, maintains their form.

So then why should we?

Surely, there are some things that stay the same. The Earth still has its general structure, and the continents still exist. Animals still hunt, and humanity still rules the land. However, at the end of the day, nature changes so that something greater can happen.

At the genetic level, DNA separates in order for new strands to be made, new proteins to be translated, and new processes to occur. If the DNA did not separate, then the cell would die. This is because the separation allows for new interactions, ones that are necessary for all aspects of life.

When we choose to hold on to something that is not healthy for us, we are not allowing ourselves to act as nature drives us to. We cannot make new connections, ones that we so desperately need in order to feel fulfilled.

It is in our DNA to shift and change.

Nothing is wrong with you or the person.

Sometimes life just does not work in the configuration that you are in.

And that is ok.


2. The End Does Not Mean Bad Blood

I think the hardest part about leaving someone is the fear of drama. We like to think that everyone else cares about who we are friends with and who we talk to and who we are in love with. After all, they bothered to listen to us complain about it, so then obviously they are going to eat up all of the aftermath correct?

"Cause, baby, now we got bad blood

you know it used to be mad love" ~Taylor Swift

We like to think that because of the injury caused by that person that everything we used to know about them is gone. It's all bad blood now. Caught up in the drama of it all, we create an enemy in the one that we left.

They are the enemy.

And because we don't want enemies, we stay.

I would like to offer an alternative. It's not exactly my idea, but rather the idea presented by Walt Disney's Fox and the Hound, my favorite Disney movie.

"Goodbye may seem forever

Farewell is like the end

But in my heart's a memory

And there you'll always be"

Just because you are no longer part of that person's life does not mean that you have to lose everything about them. Maybe your time together has ended, but the benefits of that relationship do not have to be over.

Why would you forget about the time that you texted them that you were sitting outside their house in the freezing cold and they came to sit with you? Or that time that you danced in the sprinklers? Or those moments that did not really matter to anyone, but made your day?

But when you need the help, you can dig those memories out of your heart. Your heart is where all of the blood is collected and transported. So then if you choose to maintain the good memories over the bad, then none of the blood will be bad.

Just because they hurt you does not mean everything was a waste.

It is just time to find new memories.

3. You Will Not Be Alone

The greatest fear we have with saying goodbye is the fear of being alone. We fear that our friendships will deteriorate, or that maybe we will not find someone that will understand us as well as that other person did.

We would rather feel the pain of not being loved in return than take the chance to be alone.

But you are not alone.

Allow me to interject with my own story.

I recently decided to end a very long friendship, one that was filled with unnecessary drama and had far too many people involved with it. Because of how many people became my friends through that story, I was terrified that no one would want to talk to me anymore, or maybe they would judge me for "giving up" on my old friend. I was sick to my stomach at the thought of having to face my senior year alone.

Ironically enough, I do not even know if he cared. I do not even know if he knows that we are not friends anymore.

That does not matter though.

Because I took the risk of removing myself from that place, I found myself more available to those around me. The friends that I had found over the years were still there, and many of them rejoiced at the amount of time I had to spend with them. They did not have to ask why I was able to be with them again; they just missed me.

It turns out that one of my sorority sisters had actually been keeping tabs on my old friend and I, even after she had moved out of my building. She talked to people about it. Even though I was wrapped up in that relationship, she still cared about me.

Regardless of how far you have gone, people will always care.

You will never be alone.

You are made for something greater.

Believe in something greater.

I believe in you.

Your Life Begins Outside Your Comfort Zone

"Life begins at the end  of your comfort zone." I am sure that my Dear Readers have seen this phrase before. It is typically used when someone is trying to convince someone else to do something different. Sometimes it is posted like this:

Regardless of how we have been exposed to it, most people identify "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone" as a meaningless cliche.

What we need to remember is that we must go outside of our comfort zone.

Where is my comfort zone?

If we are to go outside of our comfort zone, then we need to know where to begin. Unfortunately, there is not a clear definition of a comfort zone. However, there are a few different versions that I have found in my own life.

1. Your daily routine- everyone has their ways to unwind or get started or eat and whatnot. It is easy to stick to a routine, even when it includes something that is unhealthy.

2. Your relationships- We all have a circle of friends that we associate ourselves with. And as they say, the people you associate with define who you are.

3. Your location- Sometimes we chose to stay in the same place simply because we do not want to remove ourselves from the places and people that we know.

Obviously there are more definitions of a comfort zone, but for time-sake, I will have to move on. However, there is one clear theme amongst these comfort zones: they make use feel happy.

Why is my comfort zone bad if I am happy?

There is a reason it is called our comfort zone. We feel safe and secure in our comfort zone. Everything makes some sort of sense, and we can predict what is coming next. Even if it is not perfect, we know that our lives have structure.

We think that we are happy.

This is one of the greatest mind tricks of all time, and we do it to ourselves.  Because we have convinced ourselves that our lives are good, we do not strive to be better. We do not want to change our way of life losing its consistency. No consistency means no stability which means no security which means no comfort which means no joy.

Even if it would make us happier, we chose to ignore that option. We hide in our routine, our fantasized relationships, or our bedrooms, just to keep ourselves safe. It is frightening that something could be better than what we already know.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. 

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. 

We are not as happy as we may think we are, and we know it.

What is true happiness?

I realize that that last statement seemed a bit morbid. I am certainly not saying that any of my Dear Readers are not happy people. What I am saying is that there is something better. We can always find something better.

So what is the absolute best?

Heaven.

Each human being was designed to be with God in Heaven. Our whole lives are meant to bring us to be in union with God, and as a result, in communion with one another. Heaven, our true home, is the ultimate form of happiness. We will not experience Heaven until we move on from this life, but it is indeed possible to experience Heaven in small ways on Earth.

But where is Heaven on Earth?

Outside of your comfort zone.

Why is Heaven outside of our comfort zone?

It is interesting how throughout the Old Testament God calls the Israelites to go elsewhere. I always felt like they were constantly searching for their true home, and I felt bad for them.

Then I realized what was happening. 

Each time God's chosen people came to a place, something amazing happened. Either the walls of Jericho fell or a war was won or food came from the sky.

But it is not just an Old Testament experience. In the New Testament, the phrase, "and Jesus passed by" comes up numerous times, and every single time, a miracle happens. Jesus did not stay in his hometown, his "comfort zone" if you will.

"Amen I say to you, no prophet is accepted in his own native place" ~Luke 4:24

When we go outside of our comfort zone, amazing things are possible. This is mostly because our perceived limitations are no longer present. If we do not have any particular expectations, then we can do as much as we can.

And if we can do anything, then God can do anything.

God is able to work outside of our comfort zone, and because He is working within us, glimpses of Heaven are made present.

My Story

Those you who have been reading know that I like to share why this topic is important to me. So that's what I am doing now.

Outside the Zone

This summer has been extremely transformative for me. I would go in to detail, but it will be less redundant if you go here. Because of the experiences I had with my lab at Notre Dame, I had come to know that I was capable of science, worthy of healthy and meaningful relationships, and a truly beautiful child of God.

None of this would have been possible had I not chased my dreams.

Outside of my comfort zone.

Remember how I listed the three types of comfort zones? When I went to Notre Dame, I thought that the only change I was making was in my location. I thought that because I was still talking to people back in Nashville and sticking to a daily routine that I had only changed where I was having my life experiences.

I thought it was only Notre Dame that made me a better person.

Returning to my Zone

That being said, I was terrified about returning to Belmont. During the week leading up to my move in day, my acid reflux returned, I couldn't sleep, and my anxiety was through the roof. Because of the changes I had made in my life during my REU, I was finally confident. If it was only the location that brought that joy in to my life, then going back to Belmont might change things.

I was terrified I was going to become who I used to be.

I was worried that I would be that girl who used to sit in her gazebo, obsessing over the same situation, being more sassy than necessary, and not caring about people in the way she knew she should.

The past few days of RA training have proven this to be false.

RA Training

When I got back to campus, I did not feel the need to go to any of my usual sentimental locations. Instead, I decided to stay in my new Residence Hall and get to know my staff. I did not hide my passions from the world.

And guess what?

I was accepted by this amazing staff.

We own the awkward "family" photos

No Place or Situation Defines You

Yes, being outside of your comfort zone allows your life to fully begin, but where that happens or how that happens does not define who you are. If that were true, then these experiences and locations would become our new comfort zones.

It is who you become in each new location that defines who you are.

Because I decided to maintain the personality that I had gained from the experience I had this summer, I was able to take this new person in to an old location.

I could go in to how I have already started to feel myself growing within this hall already, but that is unnecessary.

It is ok to go outside of your comfort zone. You may fail, but you will not fail to become greater.

"to live in a manner worthy of the Lord, so as to be fully pleasing, in every good work bearing fruit and growing in the knowledge of God" ~ Colossians 1:10

Why You Have to Follow Your Dreams

Dreams. They are all over the place. We are constantly searching the internet for the meaning of the dream about the hot guy eating an Eggo waffle, trying to succeed at lucid dreaming, and watching movies all about dreams.

Or watching JGL. Whatever floats your boat

However, many would not identify dreams as highly important beyond a movie concept or topic of conversation. 

I am writing this to explain the value of dreams in our lives.

The Evolution of Dreams

I believe the main reason why people do not view dreams as important is because the meaning of a dream has changed over the course of time.

Biblical Times

Back in the day, people were far more literal. When they said "an eye for an eye," they meant it. That being said, dreams were not just some fantastical thought. If someone could see it, then it had to be real somehow.

Thank God Pre-modern times did not have iPhones...

God used dreams to talk to people. They could see a potential future or speak to an angel. Dreams were an experience that people took seriously.

The Old Testament is filled with dreams. In these dreams, God was able to show his prophets what was to pass and tell them what to do. Because Joseph was able to interpret dreams, he went from a prisoner to a powerful man in Egypt. People took dreams seriously, and they were anxious to know exactly was to pass because of these dreams.

Modern Times

We are far less literal today. In our modern society, we search for deeper meaning and focus on the future. Our scientific research is mostly focused on things that cannot be seen by the naked eye, but make the biggest difference in our overall health. The past and present are far less important than our futures.

As a result, dreams, at least the traditional sleeping ones, are seen as our subconscious explaining something to us. God no longer is part of that equation. Because of this, God had to find a new avenue for speaking to us.

So a new method of dreaming came to pass.

These new dreams are our passions. What would have been a message from an angel in Biblical times has turned in to a life goal. This could be a career, a relationship, a home, whatever we could possibly desire really. Once we have succeeded, we feel a sense of peace. This is our way of connecting to God's plan in our day to day lives.

Our dreams are God's message to us.

So we need to live them.

My Story

I never wish to sound "preachy" to my Dear Readers, so I like to put my own story in to the equation. I recently have had the experience of watching my dreams come and go and return, and I believe that this story will prove my point more clearly than quotes and theological discussions.

Ground Level

There have been numerous dreams that have filled my head, but I will only focus on a couple of them to save everyone's time.

My first dream was to do something scientific. Ever since I was a baby, I was around science. My father was a geneticist and my mother was a nutritional scientist. I went to the lab as a child, and my parents even propped me up like this:

Yes. I use this picture for everything. I am adorable.

It is a very good thing that I actually fit in to this dream. I was good at science. I could run the lab when my teachers left, and I found joy in studying on a Friday night. The exact path that I would take with science was unclear, but I knew that I was meant to pursue it.

My second dream involved my second passion: dance. 

My technique was not perfect, but the dream was still valid.

The biggest part of dance is the look. While I never desired to look anorexic, I still wanted to be beautiful. I wanted to look like my entire body was filled with power. If I had power, then I could make my tap dances sound better, and I could make more people watch me. It was a superficial dream, but it was a dream nonetheless.

My third dream was about my relationships with other people, boys included of course. I wanted a base of strong women who loved me for I was and enjoyed hanging out with me. I wanted a strong Catholic man who was able to discuss science and laugh with me and cared about other people, like my daddy and little brothers.

Break Down

Now, I am not saying that God makes these dreams come true easily. If that were the case, then we would never find a connection between Him and the passions that drive our lives. The people in the pre-modern era had to interpret their dreams, and we have to find out how our's will come to pass.

So they have to fail.

The first dream to melt away from my mind was my beauty. This came from a few off hand comments from an ex-boyfriend who said that I was "too fat" to be a good girlfriend, and a few other people who said that I was ugly in middle school. Suddenly I was unable to look in the mirror without noticing my flaws first.

The second dream were my relationships. Due to my insecurity, I thought that every woman I was close to viewed me as second-rate. I thought that if I would contact them anymore that they would be annoyed with me and leave. Some people actually left. As far as boys go, I had gone as far as possible from my "dream man." By the end of this school year, I had wasted two years by being interested in a less spiritual boy who cared more about his own life experience than me as a person and was not all too interested in discussing anything.

The third dream was my scientific ability. It had been a week at Notre Dame, and I had done absolutely nothing to further my project. My PI was constantly reminding me that I was behind, and I felt like I shouldn't be there anymore. I cried every single night because I thought I was losing the one passion that had gotten me to where I was.

But God does not let our dreams go to waste.

Living the Dream

I forgot to mention that going to Notre Dame was one of my dreams when I was younger. I had let that go because Notre Dame is super expensive, and I was not entirely sure if I was going to be accepted anyways. Regardless, I was still a huge fan of the school, and it was a dream come true to be on campus for an entire summer.

Therefore, God was able to work here in this dream to help me see what life was meant to be.

The first dream to come back was my belief in my scientific abilities. It was week 2, and I was given several small things to do in order to make my project move forward. Unlike some of my REU friends, I was essentially independent from day 1 of my work. Sure, my lab buddy and the graduate student helped me along the way, but I still had a lot of my own work to do.

I failed a few times over the summer, and my PI suggested that I did not continue with a certain experiment. Angry that I would not be able to complete my task and live the dream, I went ahead and set it up anyways.

It worked. 

My dream of being a scientist came true.

As I went through the summer, I maintained my friendships from back home. Even though I am admittedly the worst texter, I kept up as best I could with the women from back home at Belmont. It was the first time that I had consistent contact with people. And with girls at that! I felt at peace with my support system.

And my heart started to warm up a little, and I could see my dream coming back.

Boys is a little bit of an odd case. When I got to Notre Dame, I was a complete wreck. Over and over I debating falling back to my old pattern. After all, there weren't any guys that actually were as nice as my brothers and my daddy right? As my self confidence was hovering in the balance, I debating texting the old guy over and over again.

Then I started talking to the guys in my lab.

They were just normal guys, but they were some of the nicest men I had ever met. 

The graduate student would take the blame for literally any mistake I made, and he was always checking up on me. He would occasionally talk about his wife and you could just see his eyes sparkle a little more. Several of the REU students told me that they wished they had a graduate student like him in the lab. 

On the other end was my lab buddy who I spent nearly 200 hours with in our little back room. He was the first to go out of his way to help me, even though he thought I was a little weird at first. I could talk to him about science and Jesus and life, and it was perfectly ok.

I realized that there were good people everywhere, even in a little basement room with poor lighting. No, there was no romance, but I could physically see the kind of men I wanted to be friends with.

My dream came true.

And as I continued to live the vocation that the Lord gave me alongside the people that He had sent me to show me how beautiful humanity was, I started to see the world differently. I believed that I was capable and intelligent and important.

And for the first time in four years, I looked in the mirror and noticed the beautiful things first.

My dream came true.

The Point

My purpose for telling y'all this story is to show you that our dreams can come true. Remember how I didn't apply to Notre Dame because I did not think that that dream was feasible?

This is just like how we can choose to ignore our dreams.

Just because a dream does not look feasible does not mean that it does not have a purpose in your life.

Because I took a chance and applied to Notre Dame for my summer research experience, God was able to bring me to where I needed to go. In this environment, God was able to show me that I truly was meant to pursue research, to have amazing friendships, and that I was beautiful. By living out a small dream that I had chosen to forget, everything fell in to place.

Imagine if Joseph decided to ignore his dream about going back to Mary because he thought it would be too hard. The Mother of Our Lord Jesus Christ would have had to go through pregnancy and child rearing all alone. Jesus would not have had a father to build tables with.

People are going to tell you that your dreams are not valid. They are going to say that it doesn't matter if you are successful in some areas because you will never be able to accomplish everything. Dreams are just a wish your heart makes; they don't matter.

Every single one of your dreams matter.

God gives you these dreams so that you can find the happiness that He has created for you.

Thanks to Notre Dame and the Vaughan lab, I was able to find the light in my spirit that I had lost too long ago. While I may not be perfect, I know that I can do anything and I can do better with my life. I have a long way to go as far as being the Christian that I am meant to exemplify, but I know that with God at the head and my dreams burning in my heart, that some day I may see My Father and thank Him for all that He has done.

Give life everything you have.

You deserve it.

Keep dreaming.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope" ~Jeremiah 29:11

What I Did This Summer: Lab Experiences

From the looks of my posts this summer, it would not look like I was at a Biology REU. In fact, it looks more like I was in a psychological/theological study performed within the context of a cellular biology lab.

So now that my summer is coming to a close, I will give you Dear Readers the highlight reel. And if that is too long, there is a TLDR (too long didn't read) version at the bottom.

Week 1
Back Corners and Extroverts Do Not Mix

On the first day of bench work, I was given a two hour background lecture on the experiment, and then I was shown my desk. For the next four days I sat in that little corner, scared out of my mind, and staying nearly silent. The other undergraduate in the lab and I only exchanged maybe a total of seven sentences a day. My voice was broken by the end of the day solely because I did not use it nearly as much as I usually do.

I was miserable and homesick. The only lab work I did was make a few restriction maps of the sequence I needed to make a construct of a lysosome membrane protein called LAMP1 (lysosome associated membrane protein 1). We needed one with a red fluorescent tag, and that was going to be my job.

Even though I came up with a plan, I was too scared to talk to the people in my lab about it. Nothing was accomplished that week.

Life Lesson: Don't be afraid to be yourself and actually talk to people. Otherwise you're going to be miserable and sit alone.

Week 2
Learning the Little Things

Week two was when I finally started to work. The other undergrad asked me on that Monday if I was going to do anything, to which I shrugged and turned back to reading another journal article so he wouldn't see the angry tears on the corners of my eyes. Then he stood up and grabbed a bunch of beakers with water and labeled them like they were the materials used to subculture cells. We spent the morning with a culturing tutorial.

The rest of the week was spent learning other little tasks in the lab from my PI's wife and the graduate student. I learned how to increase the concentration of DNA so I could have it sequenced and I received my own cell line to maintain. We even started some steps for my own project. All of the techniques I learned that week were used for the rest of the summer, and my failures resulted from me forgetting what had happened.

Life Lesson: Appreciate the little things, because they some day become the big things.

Week 3
Scientists Get in to Fights

It took a while, but I finally started to get to work on my own plasmid on my own cell line. That meant that I got to observe proteins under the Live Cell Imaging microscope. Up until that I point I had been pretty anxious to get started, but I finally started to feel like I was not a dead weight in the lab. Most of my days were spent getting help from the grad student and then reading in the corner. I did not feel as homesick.

As my cells continued to grow, I grew more comfortable in my lab. I still did not talk to very many of them outside of the graduate student, but I did not mind all too much. That is until a meeting for NPC (the disease that I am researching) research came to Notre Dame.

At the meeting, the presenters got in to arguments and some even left the room in a huff. Being an undergraduate who had just gotten in to the field, I knew very little. So I sat next to the other undergraduate and laughed at the whole thing.

Life Lesson: Scientists are normal human beings, but they really need some more humility. That includes myself.

Week 4
Community Building

Over that weekend, I ran in to the Post Doc from China after Mass. We talked for a while. Instead of talking about Science, we talked about our families and the importance of love in the household. She was very impressed with my maturity and diligence. We became friends. Not only did I not feel like a dead weight, but I felt like a companion to the other lab members. My confidence increased.

At this point, I actually got to talk to the other undergraduate more often and Dr. Vaughan came by every day to just talk to us about whatever he found amusing that day. Considering how much time I spent sitting and waiting for the next thing to happen, it was nice to have some variation in my day.

All of the social interaction helped me come back to being who I am, a happy and confident woman. This was super helpful because it was at this point that I started to work on my own more often, and it was when I did not need super detailed protocols in front of me to be successful. I give a lot of credit to the people in my lab for that.

Life Lesson: You cannot work in isolation.


Week 5
Science is 90% Failure but the 10% makes it worth it

Because my cells were still growing, I did not have a lot of work to do on that Monday. The other undergrad also did not have a lot to do. So I ended up procrastinating by cleaning up my back corner. Let's just say the Vaughan lab has a lot of packrats.

My transfections were not very good, and I forgot how to run an agarose gel. My homesickness started to return as my failures returned over and over again. To defeat it, I spent more time working outside of the lab, reading literature on methodology and dedicated myself to the task I believe God made me for.

Then it started to work. My PI was happy. My lab members and I were friends. Life was good.

Life Lesson: You have to know sadness to truly understand joy.


Week 6
First Week Alone...but not really alone.

During this week, I started to cotransfect my red protein with our green mutant proteins. We wanted to see if the mutants were degraded like many of the other members of the field proposed, or if they were in the lysosome like we hypothesized. Unfortunately, I could not keep my cells healthy, and I could not find any of my proteins as I needed to.

So we killed my line and I stole some from the graduate student. He had kept some cells on the side just in case someone (me) had a problem with their cell line. Even though I was working more independently, I was never completely alone. That's what I love about science. No matter how hard you try, you can never be completely on your own.

Here is a great example: The other undergrad was on vacation, so I was alone in the back corner room. I told my fellow REU students that I would be pretty lonely during that week. They actually came to visit me!

Oh, and I got bored being in this old back room, so I did this.

Life Lesson: The longer you sit around trying to do a task on your day only wastes more time. Also, inside jokes are fun.

Week 7
Learning What Failing Looks Like

This had to be my lowest point in the program. At the very beginning of the week, it looked like everything was working again. I thought that my cells looked good, and my restriction digest had been proven correct once before.

Over and over again my digest failed. Then my cells died.

And I cried.

Failure was not something I wanted to experience with only three weeks left in my program. I needed data and I needed to have something to show for all of the work I had done this summer. Personal growth certainly was not something I could put on a graduate school application.

But I learned that it was more important to have faith that things will work out, and I learned that I did not have to feel completely alone in the struggle. My coworkers made me smile and they made sure that I was doing the right things so that I could be successful in the future. Even though I had very little to show from this week, I believe this was the point where I truly became a scientist.

Life Lesson: You will fail, but you do not have to go through it alone.


Week 8
Experiencing Community

Because I was back to square one (sort of) on the first half of my project, I had a lot of free time to work on other things. I spent most of my free time trying to clone a sequence in to the vector we wanted, and I failed to do so for the most part.

The rest of the time I spent time talking to my fellow lab workers. I got to see the dark room, and I watched the others work on their experiments. While none of these things really made a huge contribution to my own work, I learned a lot. And since the NSF wants REU students to learn as much as possible, I would like to think I was successful.

I talked to my cells like they were my children as I looked at them under the microscope, and on Thursday I got to see what they looked like.

They were all dead again.

Because Thursday was technically my last day of work for that week, I would not let myself be defeated by this moment. I pulled out my older cells and I split them for a new experiment. Dr. Vaughan did not really want me to keep trying.

I had to. So I did.

AND I GOT SOME PICTURES.

Life Lesson: Sometimes the most exciting things come out of the most unexpected places.

Week 9
Like Week 1 All Over Again

Because I had very little going on, and because my PI was out of town, I spent the majority of the week sitting behind my desk and working on stuff on my computer. On top of that, I hardly spoke a word to anyone in the lab until Wednesday afternoon. Apparently they thought I was painfully shy and scared to talk.

I prepared to make my experiments work for the last time. I was anxious to say the least, but I was very excited to see if I could get the results that my PI wanted to see so badly. On the day of my imaging, I sent out various texts for prayers and tweeted specifically for people to pray for me using a Hail Mary (Catholics) or The Lord's Prayer (Protestants). Then I proceeded to bless my coverslips and my microscope.

And hey look! I got a picture or two!

Life Lesson: Prayer and patience can get you anywhere.

Week 10
Wrapping Things Up

As the REU came to a close. I spent the majority of my time in the imaging room editing the pictures I made of my cells. Since the microscope was off, it was pretty cold, but that was ok. I realized just how much I was going to miss everyone in my lab, and I actually felt pretty bad about hiding away in the back room working.

My PI gave me a lot of advice on how to deliver my talk, and then I spent the rest of my time just working on perfecting my talk and enjoying my last few days in the lab. This included celebrating some of my fellow undergrad's accomplishments and chatting with the Post Doc.

On Thursday, my last day of lab, I killed off the rest of my cells and called it a summer.

And then I made this post before I give my talk tomorrow.

I can't believe I am done.

TLDR
Week 1: I did nothing and was a scared little child.
Week 2: The other undergraduate helped me get out of the corner and I learned really basic stuff.
Week 3: Scientists got in to a fight
Week 4: I imaged stuff and made friends
Week 5: My results actually started to work out
Week 6: I leave funny notes and get annoyed when stuff doesn't work.
Week 7: My cells all died and I cried about life, but my coworkers are nice people.
Week 8: I failed a second time, but I came back and got pictures
Week 9: My last experiment was stressing me out and it took a week to happen
Week 10: I felt like I did nothing, and then I left.

My Summer in Song Lyrics

Being stuck in a lab all summer has taught me one thing: Music is very important.

Ok. I learned a lot more than that, but my Spotify playlists got me through the hardest times, the happiest times, and the quietest times that I have experienced in the lab.

So in honor of that...I am going to post the lyrics that I feel encompassed most of my "feels" this summer!

Ben Rector's "The Beat"

And then the beat comes

And then she's moving on the dance floor

And I wonder what she's running from

I had just left Nashville, and I felt like I was running from the story I did not think I should have to tell anymore. I found myself dancing around to this song everywhere, and I actually found myself smiling by the end of my first week of lab.

Keith Urban "Days Go By"

Yeah it's all we've been given,

So you better start livin' right now

'Cause days go by,

The first week was miserable and it felt like I was never going to get out of my basement lab because I chose fear over everything else. Once I started to live a little and enjoy myself, the weeks started to fly by. This song was my theme song for my Saturday Solo Dance Parties. I still can't believe that I am about to leave this place.

Kacey Musgraves "Dime Store Cowgirl"

You can take me out of the country

But you can't take the country out of me

As odd as it seemed to everyone around me, I fought to keep my southern identity while in this new place. Cowboy boots were not just functional, but they were a statement. I also used the word "y'all" significantly more than usual. I missed home, but I knew that it was never too far from my heart.

Matt Maher "Adoration" 

Jesus, Lamb of God, saving love for all

Lord of heav'n and Earth

I bow to You, bow to You, I bow to You

I was very anxious when I had to run experiments that I had never seen before. I also failed too many times to count. When I felt down on myself or life in general, I would play this song on repeat for hours. It was as if every moment I spent listening to it, regardless of what I was doing at the time, was a prayer. I felt so at peace with this song in my ears and the Lord on my heart.

Young the Giant "Cough Syrup"

If I could find a way to see this straight

I'd run away

To some fortune that I, I should have found by now

I hate to say it, but at many points, I considered hiding away because I did not feel like I was reaching my potential. Either that or I thought that I was not doing what God wanted me to. I couldn't see straight. Thankfully I figured it all out.

Jake Miller "First Flight Home"

I can't predict the weather

But you should know that I

I'll be on the first flight home

1. Indiana Weather Sucks.
2. This was my spin song, and there really is no deep purpose. It's just awesome.

Dan and Shay "Party Girl"

Take me to the party girl in the same t-shirt

that you weart to bed while the ceiling fan turns

to the rhythm that we're spinning bare feet on the floor in the living room light

I at one point got really in to country again when the homesickness settled in. That's when I found Dan and Shay, and this song in particular. Even though I love to dance and be around people, this summer has shown me that chillin' at home is perfectly ok with me.

Beyonce "Flawless"

You wake up, flawless

Duh.

Tenth Avenue North "The Truth is Who You Are"

And it's not enough to just say, "I believe"

'Cause truth is that talk is cheap

So grace give me eyes to see

I had a really great conversation with one of my REU friends as we drove from Chicago to South Bend (or maybe it was the other way around...) about what it truly means to be a follower of Christ. It takes a lot more than just simple words. Faith is life. My faith and my life changed and grew dramatically this summer.

Passion Pit "Take a Walk"

Practice isn't perfect

But the market cuts the loss

I remind myself that times could be much worse

I really like this song, but I had never noticed these lyrics before. It sort of relates to the fact that no matter how many times I tried, I still messed up, but at the end of the day, life could be far worse than having to run a few more trials.

Andy Grammer "Back Home"

And no matter where we go

We always find our way back home

And now I am about ready to return to Nashville, TN. Man I miss my coffee drinking, hipster-filled, southern hometown.